Seagulls announce formal merger with Just Eat following successful eighteen-month trial period
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Just Eat Takeaway.com and the United Gull Collective announced today a strategic merger that will see Britain’s seagull population…
Science
Britain’s Last Functioning Particle Accelerator Now Being Used to Heat Kettle in CERN Canteen
The UK’s remaining operational particle accelerator has been relocated to a staffroom in Geneva, where it currently provides hot water for CERN…
Environment
Britain’s last remaining environmental officer discovers job now entirely admin for planning applications he’ll be overruled on
Martin Heswell sits in what was once the Environmental Protection Department at Brackley District Council, a title still visible on the door…
Technology
Man Who Refused Smart Home Devices Now Spends 6 Hours Daily Managing Smart Home Devices
A Nottingham man who spent years refusing to install smart home technology on principle now dedicates approximately six hours per day to…
Food and Drink
M&S Launches ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar with 40% Less Filling
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Marks & Spencer has today unveiled its most body-positive initiative yet: a limited edition ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar…
Technology
Apple announces new charging cable will only work with devices purchased on Tuesdays
Apple has unveiled its latest Lightning cable variant, the Lightning Pro Temporal Edition, which will exclusively charge iPhones and iPads purchased on…
Man who uses ‘Password123’ for everything claims he’s ‘not important enough to hack’
Martin Eccleston, 47, a logistics coordinator for a medium-sized packaging distributor in Slough, has spent the past eleven years using variations of…
Animals
Squirrel submits flexible working request to accommodate winter nut-burying schedule
A grey squirrel employed in the grounds maintenance sector has formally requested a shift to flexible working hours in order to fulfil…
Science
Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory
The final cohort of British scientists still conducting research on British soil have been observed gathering around a single Bunsen burner in…
Environment
Britain’s rewilding projects now just ‘slightly less tidy bits of National Trust car parks’
A comprehensive survey of Britain’s rewilding initiatives has confirmed that the overwhelming majority now consist of approximately forty square metres of unmown…