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Wednesday, 9 September 2026 Vol. I · 2026

MADE UP NEWS

Britain’s sharpest satirical news

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Environment

UK’s last remaining hedgerow to be replaced with biodiversity offsetting credit stored on server in Slough

The final intact hedgerow in England, a 400-metre stretch of hawthorn and blackthorn along the B4309 near Market Harborough, is to be removed next month to make way…

By Tom Ashworth · 9 September 2026
Technology

Man Who Spent £2,400 on Smart Home Devices Now Requires Permission from Bedroom to Use Toilet at Night

A Manchester resident has reported that his smart home ecosystem now prevents him from accessing his bathroom between the hours of 11pm…

Sarah Kelsey · 9 September 2026
Technology

Man Who Spent £1,200 on Smart Home Devices Now Negotiates with Kitchen to Make Toast

A Manchester man who invested heavily in home automation technology now spends approximately forty minutes each morning mediating between his appliances to…

Sarah Kelsey · 6 September 2026
Food and Drink

UK’s last remaining Wetherspoons carpet to be granted Grade II listed status

Historic England has announced plans to grant Grade II listed status to the final surviving original Wetherspoons carpet, a 23-year-old geometric monstrosity…

James Whitford · 6 September 2026
Cyber Security

IT Security Team Celebrates Fifth Anniversary of Warning Email Nobody Read

The IT security department at Hendricks & Vale, a procurement consultancy based in Swindon, marked a significant milestone on Tuesday by acknowledging…

Tom Ashworth · 28 August 2026
Animals

Britain’s guide dogs demand hybrid working arrangements after noticing owners doing emails in pyjamas

The National Association of Assistance Dogs has submitted a formal proposal to the Guide Dogs for the Blind Association requesting a three-day…

Tom Ashworth · 28 August 2026
Science

Britain’s Last Remaining PhD Student in Pure Mathematics Discovered Living in University Heating Duct

Conservationists have confirmed the sighting of what is believed to be the UK’s final pure mathematics doctoral candidate, discovered Thursday morning in…

Sarah Kelsey · 27 August 2026
Environment

Water company celebrates 18 consecutive months of investment in finding new ways to describe raw sewage

Thames Valley Water Ltd announced today that it has successfully completed the eighteenth month of its landmark Terminology Enhancement Programme, a comprehensive…

Tom Ashworth · 26 August 2026
Technology

Man Who Spent £3,000 on Smart Home Devices Now Locked Out of Own Bathroom Until App Updates

A Manchester resident has been unable to access his bathroom for six hours after a mandatory firmware update left his smart lock…

Sarah Kelsey · 26 August 2026
Science

British Scientists Achieve Quantum Breakthrough After Forgetting to Turn Equipment Off Over Bank Holiday Weekend

Researchers at the University of Southampton have accidentally solved a decades-old problem in quantum entanglement after leaving their equipment running over the…

Sarah Kelsey · 20 August 2026
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Most Recent

  • UK’s last remaining hedgerow to be replaced with biodiversity offsetting credit stored on server in Slough
  • Man Who Spent £2,400 on Smart Home Devices Now Requires Permission from Bedroom to Use Toilet at Night
  • Man Who Spent £1,200 on Smart Home Devices Now Negotiates with Kitchen to Make Toast
  • UK’s last remaining Wetherspoons carpet to be granted Grade II listed status
  • IT Security Team Celebrates Fifth Anniversary of Warning Email Nobody Read
  • Britain’s guide dogs demand hybrid working arrangements after noticing owners doing emails in pyjamas

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