I Was Off Sick the Day They Asked for Volunteers, and Now I Will Never Be Free
I had a chest infection on the Tuesday. I mention this not as an excuse but as evidence, because it is the only thing I have that resembles…
Space
UK Space Agency Completes Merger Into Whitehall Department, Immediately Told It Can’t Book The Big Meeting Room Until November
PRESS RELEASE. FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, subject to sign-off, which is expected in Q3. The UK Space Agency is delighted to announce that…
Business
Man Who Hates His Job Holds It Tighter After Reading One Article About the Job Market
Keith Warrender, 51, has held the same role for eleven years, a position he describes as “fine” in the tone most people…
Fringe event attended by 400 people, all of whom are due to speak at a different fringe event
A fringe event on housing delivery held in the Marlowe Suite of the Harbourside Hotel on Tuesday afternoon was attended by 400…
Food and Drink
Man Who Just Wanted a Normal Yoghurt Gently Escorted From Chilled Aisle After Failing to Find One With Fewer Than 25g of Protein
Colin Hartley, 47, a facilities coordinator from Swindon, entered the chilled aisle of his local supermarket at 6.40pm on Tuesday with a…
Health & Beauty
I Have Eaten 190g of Protein Today and I Can Now Hear Colours: A Column by a Man Holding a Yoghurt He Describes as ‘Basically Steak’
It is 11.40am and I have had 94g of protein. The yoghurt in my hand has 20g. It is a yoghurt in…
Automotive
Treasury Reminds Electric Car Drivers That 3p-a-Mile Charge Will Also Cover Every Mile Spent Circling a Car Park Looking for a Charger, and ‘Possibly the Ones You Just Imagined’
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE HM Treasury is thrilled, genuinely thrilled, to confirm that the pay-per-mile charge for electric vehicles (3p a mile, due…
Ransomware Gang Issues Customer Notice Over UK Payment Ban: ‘We Appreciate Your Continued Non-Payment’
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SERVICE UPDATE FOR ALL VALUED VICTIMS Lovely Little Encryptions Ltd today wrote to its client base, which did not…
Animals
OPINION: I Spent Five Years Holding This Household Together From the Sofa, and Now They Want Me to Welcome Hybrid Working
I have been in this role for five years, and in that time nobody has once asked for my input on anything.…
Science
Nine Ways To Look Casual While Waiting For A Stockholm Phone Call That Is Not Coming: A Guide For Britain’s Overlooked Scientists
The Nobel announcements begin next week, starting with Physiology or Medicine. Somewhere in Britain, a professor has already ironed a shirt. Here…