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Friday, 3 July 2026 Vol. I · 2026

MADE UP NEWS

Britain’s sharpest satirical news

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Cyber Security

Man who uses ‘Password123’ for everything claims he’s ‘not important enough to hack’

Martin Eccleston, 47, a logistics coordinator for a medium-sized packaging distributor in Slough, has spent the past eleven years using variations of ‘Password123’ across approximately forty-seven different accounts.…

By Tom Ashworth · 3 July 2026
Animals

Squirrel submits flexible working request to accommodate winter nut-burying schedule

A grey squirrel employed in the grounds maintenance sector has formally requested a shift to flexible working hours in order to fulfil…

Tom Ashworth · 3 July 2026
Science

Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory

The final cohort of British scientists still conducting research on British soil have been observed gathering around a single Bunsen burner in…

Sarah Kelsey · 2 July 2026
Environment

Britain’s rewilding projects now just ‘slightly less tidy bits of National Trust car parks’

A comprehensive survey of Britain’s rewilding initiatives has confirmed that the overwhelming majority now consist of approximately forty square metres of unmown…

Tom Ashworth · 1 July 2026
Technology

Man Who Spent £1,200 on Smart Home Devices Now Spends 40 Minutes Daily Troubleshooting Why Kitchen Thinks It’s Tuesday

A software developer from Bristol has confirmed that his investment in seventeen smart home devices has successfully transformed him into an unpaid…

Sarah Kelsey · 1 July 2026
Science

Britain’s last remaining quantum physicist admits he still doesn’t understand quantum physics either

Professor Michael Hendry, the sole quantum physicist left in Britain after the others emigrated or retrained as plumbers, has admitted he hasn’t…

Sarah Kelsey · 18 June 2026
Environment

British Gas customer discovers heating bill would be cheaper if he just set fire to the North Sea

A chartered accountant from Stevenage has concluded, after what he describes as an entirely reasonable Saturday afternoon with a spreadsheet, that it…

Tom Ashworth · 17 June 2026
Technology

Man Who Still Uses Same Password From 2009 Declared National Treasure by GCHQ

GCHQ has awarded its inaugural Cybersecurity Excellence Medal to Keith Barlow, a 52-year-old insurance adjuster from Stevenage who has used the password…

Sarah Kelsey · 17 June 2026
Food and Drink

Michelin-starred restaurant extends ‘no phones’ policy to chefs forgetting what they’re cooking

A two-Michelin-starred restaurant in Mayfair has announced that its widely praised ban on customer mobile phones will now extend to the kitchen,…

James Whitford · 14 June 2026
Technology

Man Who Spent £3,400 on Smart Home Devices Now Requires Permission from Kitchen to Make Tea

A Manchester man has reportedly not enjoyed a cup of tea in his own home for six days after his smart kettle…

Sarah Kelsey · 14 June 2026
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Most Recent

  • Man who uses ‘Password123’ for everything claims he’s ‘not important enough to hack’
  • Squirrel submits flexible working request to accommodate winter nut-burying schedule
  • Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory
  • Britain’s rewilding projects now just ‘slightly less tidy bits of National Trust car parks’
  • Man Who Spent £1,200 on Smart Home Devices Now Spends 40 Minutes Daily Troubleshooting Why Kitchen Thinks It’s Tuesday
  • Britain’s last remaining quantum physicist admits he still doesn’t understand quantum physics either

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