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Friday, 10 July 2026 Vol. I · 2026

MADE UP NEWS

Britain’s sharpest satirical news

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Cyber Security

IT department celebrates third anniversary of that password reset email everyone’s been ignoring

The information security team at Midlands-based logistics firm Hartwell Distribution gathered this morning around a slightly stale Colin the Caterpillar cake to mark three years since they first…

By Tom Ashworth · 10 July 2026
Animals

Seagulls announce formal merger with Just Eat following successful eighteen-month trial period

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Just Eat Takeaway.com and the United Gull Collective announced today a strategic merger that will see Britain’s seagull population…

Tom Ashworth · 10 July 2026
Science

Britain’s Last Functioning Particle Accelerator Now Being Used to Heat Kettle in CERN Canteen

The UK’s remaining operational particle accelerator has been relocated to a staffroom in Geneva, where it currently provides hot water for CERN…

Sarah Kelsey · 9 July 2026
Environment

Britain’s last remaining environmental officer discovers job now entirely admin for planning applications he’ll be overruled on

Martin Heswell sits in what was once the Environmental Protection Department at Brackley District Council, a title still visible on the door…

Tom Ashworth · 8 July 2026
Technology

Man Who Refused Smart Home Devices Now Spends 6 Hours Daily Managing Smart Home Devices

A Nottingham man who spent years refusing to install smart home technology on principle now dedicates approximately six hours per day to…

Sarah Kelsey · 8 July 2026
Food and Drink

M&S Launches ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar with 40% Less Filling

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Marks & Spencer has today unveiled its most body-positive initiative yet: a limited edition ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar…

James Whitford · 5 July 2026
Technology

Apple announces new charging cable will only work with devices purchased on Tuesdays

Apple has unveiled its latest Lightning cable variant, the Lightning Pro Temporal Edition, which will exclusively charge iPhones and iPads purchased on…

Sarah Kelsey · 5 July 2026
Cyber Security

Man who uses ‘Password123’ for everything claims he’s ‘not important enough to hack’

Martin Eccleston, 47, a logistics coordinator for a medium-sized packaging distributor in Slough, has spent the past eleven years using variations of…

Tom Ashworth · 3 July 2026
Animals

Squirrel submits flexible working request to accommodate winter nut-burying schedule

A grey squirrel employed in the grounds maintenance sector has formally requested a shift to flexible working hours in order to fulfil…

Tom Ashworth · 3 July 2026
Science

Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory

The final cohort of British scientists still conducting research on British soil have been observed gathering around a single Bunsen burner in…

Sarah Kelsey · 2 July 2026
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Most Recent

  • IT department celebrates third anniversary of that password reset email everyone’s been ignoring
  • Seagulls announce formal merger with Just Eat following successful eighteen-month trial period
  • Britain’s Last Functioning Particle Accelerator Now Being Used to Heat Kettle in CERN Canteen
  • Britain’s last remaining environmental officer discovers job now entirely admin for planning applications he’ll be overruled on
  • Man Who Refused Smart Home Devices Now Spends 6 Hours Daily Managing Smart Home Devices
  • M&S Launches ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar with 40% Less Filling

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