FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JD Wetherspoon, the pub chain synonymous with sticky carpets and £1.99 breakfasts, has today announced a comprehensive rebranding of its wellness menu range. All ‘Buddha Bowl’ items will henceforth be known as ‘Enlightenment Basins’, effective from Monday.
The decision comes after eighteen months of what the company describes as “persistent theological inquiries” from customers who believed the bowls contained actual Buddha.
“We’ve had punters asking if they need to remove their shoes before ordering,” explained Rachel Stevens, Regional Manager for the Northwest. “One gentleman in our Warrington branch spent twenty minutes trying to achieve mindfulness next to the fruit machine. He’d ordered a Southern Fried Chicken Wrap.”
The Enlightenment Basin range will feature identical ingredients to the previous Buddha Bowls but with updated terminology designed to eliminate spiritual confusion. The ‘Quinoa and Roasted Vegetable Buddha Bowl’ becomes the ‘Grain Based Self-Actualisation Basin’, whilst the ‘Spicy Falafel Buddha Bowl’ will now appear on menus as the ‘Chickpea Transcendence Receptacle (Mildly Spicy)’.
Internal documents obtained by Made Up News reveal that staff have been fielding an average of forty-seven wellness-related questions per week, most commonly “Is this vegan?”, “What’s quinoa?” and “Can I get chips with it?”
“The Buddha Bowl sat right between the mixed grill and the steak club on our menu,” said Tom Richardson, a bartender at the Bromley branch. “Customers kept asking if eating it would help their aura. Mate, you’re three Stellas deep at 2pm on a Tuesday. Your aura’s doing fine.”
The press release emphasises that Enlightenment Basins are “suitable for those seeking a lighter option between their fourth pint and the decision to order nachos”, and that no actual enlightenment is guaranteed or implied.
The rebrand will cost an estimated £47,000, which the company notes is “roughly equivalent to 23,500 pints of Ruddles County, but corporate responsibility matters”.
Marketing materials for the new range feature the slogan “Nourish Your Body, Whilst Remaining Decidedly Unenlightened”. Each basin will be served in the same plates as everything else.
Asked whether the chain had considered simplifying the menu terminology altogether, Stevens was resolute. “Absolutely not. The Buddha Bowl controversy may have caused confusion, but it also generated significant social media engagement. Besides, our Pulled Jackfruit Nirvana Tacos are performing extremely well in the London market.”
When pressed on whether customers were actually ordering these items or simply photographing them for Instagram before getting a burger, Stevens declined to comment.
The Enlightenment Basins launch nationwide on Monday, accompanied by table talkers explaining that no, you still cannot substitute sweet potato fries for regular chips on meal deal items, even if it would “better align with your wellness journey”.