Science
Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory
The final cohort of British scientists still conducting research on British soil have been observed gathering around a single Bunsen burner in…
Science
Environment
Britain’s rewilding projects now just ‘slightly less tidy bits of National Trust car parks’
A comprehensive survey of Britain’s rewilding initiatives has confirmed that the overwhelming majority now consist of approximately forty square metres of unmown…
Technology
Man Who Spent £1,200 on Smart Home Devices Now Spends 40 Minutes Daily Troubleshooting Why Kitchen Thinks It’s Tuesday
A software developer from Bristol has confirmed that his investment in seventeen smart home devices has successfully transformed him into an unpaid…
Science
Britain’s last remaining quantum physicist admits he still doesn’t understand quantum physics either
Professor Michael Hendry, the sole quantum physicist left in Britain after the others emigrated or retrained as plumbers, has admitted he hasn’t…
Environment
British Gas customer discovers heating bill would be cheaper if he just set fire to the North Sea
A chartered accountant from Stevenage has concluded, after what he describes as an entirely reasonable Saturday afternoon with a spreadsheet, that it…
Technology
Man Who Still Uses Same Password From 2009 Declared National Treasure by GCHQ
GCHQ has awarded its inaugural Cybersecurity Excellence Medal to Keith Barlow, a 52-year-old insurance adjuster from Stevenage who has used the password…
Food and Drink
Michelin-starred restaurant extends ‘no phones’ policy to chefs forgetting what they’re cooking
A two-Michelin-starred restaurant in Mayfair has announced that its widely praised ban on customer mobile phones will now extend to the kitchen,…
Technology
Man Who Spent £3,400 on Smart Home Devices Now Requires Permission from Kitchen to Make Tea
A Manchester man has reportedly not enjoyed a cup of tea in his own home for six days after his smart kettle…
Cyber Security
IT security manager who ignored 847 password reset emails suddenly very interested in cybersecurity after own Netflix account compromised
A senior IT security manager who has routinely deleted password reset reminders since 2019 has discovered a renewed passion for digital safety…
Animals
British dogs now spending 47% of walk time waiting while owner photographs them for LinkedIn post about resilience
Dogs in the United Kingdom are now spending an average of 47 per cent of their designated exercise time sitting motionless on…