Graham Pettifer, 58, is a Senior Category Buyer at a mid-sized logistics firm in Reading. He has sat through thirty-eight Nobel announcements without understanding a single one. On Tuesday, a colleague asked him what this year’s chemistry prize was actually for. We spoke to him in the stationery cupboard, where he has been since 10:15.

Q: Take us through Tuesday.

Janet from Finance came over and said, “Graham, you did chemistry, didn’t you? What’s it actually for?” I did one term of chemistry in 1983. We made a blue crystal. I never found out why.

Q: What did you do?

I said “Fascinating” and looked at the ceiling. It’s a good ceiling. Polystyrene tiles, six hundred by six hundred. I know every one of them.

Q: Does that usually work?

Always. People take the hint. Janet did not. She said, “Fascinating how?”

Q: Can you walk us through your technique?

It’s three parts. The pause, the sigh, the biscuit. The pause is two and a half seconds. Any longer and you look like you’re thinking. Any shorter and you look like you’ve got an answer. Then a long sigh through the nose, to suggest the matter is bigger than both of us. Then you say, “Quantum, isn’t it,” and reach for a biscuit.

Q: But this was chemistry.

It doesn’t have to be quantum. It’s never once been quantum. It’s a tone.

Q: You also have a line about the energy sector.

“Of course, the implications for the energy sector are considerable.” I’ve used it since 1996. It’s the Clinton-era model. Nobody has ever challenged it, because nobody wants to be the person who asks what the implications are. Then they’d have to know what the sector is.

“The fear of the follow-up question is the defining anxiety of the British office,” said Dr Helen Armitage, a lecturer in social psychology at the University of Leeds. “In our study of thirty-one workers, four of whom were my book group, most said they would rather lose a finger than be asked ‘And what do you make of that?'”

Q: Has it ever gone wrong?

Once. 2004. A man from Facilities said, “Considerable in what direction?” I said I had a meeting. It was ten to five on a Friday. I had no meeting. I sat in the car park for forty minutes with the engine off.

Q: Why not simply admit you don’t know?

Because then there’s a follow-up. “So what do you think it means?” “Do you think they deserved it?” I don’t know who deserves things. I once nodded through an entire wedding speech in Welsh.

Q: The Literature prize is announced today. Is that easier?

No, it’s worse. Literature is a yes or no question. “Have you read them?” You can’t biscuit your way out of a yes or no. I say, “I’ve been meaning to.” That’s got me through since about 1991.

Q: Is that Janet outside?

Yes. She’s brought two teas. She’s said she’ll wait.

Q: What will you do?

I’ve got a full packet of digestives and a very good ceiling. I’ll be fine.

Janet Whitlock, Senior Finance Business Partner, confirmed she had brought a chair. “I only wanted to know what it was for,” she said. “Now I want to know what he thinks it’s for. It’s gone past the chemistry.”