Science
Britain’s Last Remaining Scientists Huddle Together for Warmth in Underfunded Laboratory
The final cohort of British scientists still conducting research on British soil have been observed gathering around a single Bunsen burner in…
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Britain’s last remaining quantum physicist admits he still doesn’t understand quantum physics either
Professor Michael Hendry, the sole quantum physicist left in Britain after the others emigrated or retrained as plumbers, has admitted he hasn’t…
Science
Britain’s Last Remaining Scientist Confirms She Will Also Be Leaving for Germany
Dr Emma Whitworth, the UK’s sole remaining research scientist, has announced she will be relocating to the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig…
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Scientists Confirm They’ve Been Pronouncing ‘Quinoa’ Wrong This Whole Time, Entire Field of Nutrition in Crisis
The nutritional science community has been thrown into disarray following the revelation that quinoa, the grain-like seed championed by health-conscious professionals since…
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British Scientists Discover New Particle That Explains Why Toast Always Lands Butter-Side Down
Researchers at the Institute for Applied Breakfast Physics in Swindon have identified a previously unknown subatomic particle that they claim is responsible…
Britain’s quantum computer solves complex equation, immediately uses answer to calculate when its grant funding will run out
A quantum computer at the University of Southampton has successfully solved a mathematical problem that would take conventional machines thousands of years…
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Scientists Confirm Universe Expanding Just Fast Enough to Keep Ex-Partners at Comfortable Distance
Physicists at the Institute for Cosmological Studies have confirmed that the universe is expanding at precisely the rate required to maintain a…
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British Scientists Announce Breakthrough in Making Lab-Grown Meat Taste ‘Slightly Less Like Despair’
Researchers at the Cambridge Institute for Cellular Agriculture have successfully reduced the overwhelming sense of existential dread previously associated with consuming their…
Scientists Confirm British Public Will Believe Absolutely Anything If You Put ‘Gut Microbiome’ In The Headline
Researchers at Imperial College London have concluded a three-month study demonstrating that the British public will purchase and consume virtually any substance…
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British Scientist Discovers New Species of Mould in Office Mug, Applies for £2.3m Research Grant
A microbiologist at the University of Sussex has identified a previously unknown species of fungus in a coffee mug she forgot about…