Researchers at the Institute for Social Taxonomy have identified a previously undocumented category of individual who cannot sustain basic conversation without mentioning their intestinal bacteria.
The discovery brings the total number of gut health evangelists to three distinct phenotypes. It follows a four-year study conducted across 127 dinner parties, 89 work leaving dos, and one particularly excruciating christening.
Type One, known formally as Probiotic Converts, typically begin with “I used to have terrible bloating” before transitioning into unsolicited fermentation advice. They own at least two brands of kombucha in their fridge, one of which has separated into something that looks like it’s achieving sentience.
Type Two, or Elimination Obsessives, have removed seventeen food groups from their diet following advice from an Instagram account run by someone whose qualifications include “wellness advocate” and “mum of two”. They will tell you about their last bowel movement. You will not ask them to.
The newly identified Type Three has been classified as the Documentary Bore. This subgroup discovered gut health through a Netflix programme they watched six months ago and have structured their entire personality around it ever since.
“What’s remarkable is the speed of onset,” said Dr Jennifer Hollis, lead researcher and someone who now dreads attending any social gathering. “We timed one subject who went from ‘hello’ to ‘the gut is basically your second brain’ in under seventy seconds. That included removing his coat.”
The study found that 68% of Type Three individuals own at least one book about gut health they have not read past the introduction. A further 34% have purchased a supplement subscription service they cannot cancel because the website’s user interface was designed by someone who understands both dark patterns and human suffering.
Type Three can be identified by several warning signs. They refer to their digestive system as “my gut” with the same reverence others reserve for their firstborn. They have Opinions about gluten that are not informed by coeliac disease. They know what a FODMAP is and think you should too.
“The economic implications alone are staggering,” noted Martin Webb, a health economist who was interviewed for this piece but spent most of it explaining his new kefir routine. “We’re looking at a £500 million probiotic market built largely on people who’ve convinced themselves that yoghurt is a personality trait.”
The research team attempted to establish a control group of individuals with no strong feelings about their microbiome. They found four. Two were elderly and had never heard the term. One was a teenager who only cared about his skin microbiome, which the researchers classified as a separate pathology. The fourth dropped out after discovering Joe Rogan’s podcast.
Dr Hollis confirmed the team is now investigating a potential Type Four: people who bring up their gut health in the past tense, prefacing everything with “I used to be really into this.”
Early findings suggest they are somehow worse.
