FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. Cabinet Office Communications Team.

We are delighted to announce the next phase of the national digital ID programme. It is seamless. It is secure. It is, above all, mandatory in spirit, if not yet in law.

What It Does

The new system confirms you are definitely you in seconds. Citizens simply open the app, scan their face, and upload a clear photograph of their passport. Should any step fail, they are invited to try again. And again. We have seen no evidence that this stops.

Where the passport is not to hand, users may retrieve it from wherever they last saw it. Our research indicates this is a drawer in 2019.

Frequently Anticipated Questions

What if I have had a haircut? The face scan will treat you with suspicion. Please wait for your hair to return to the length at which you were first enrolled. Average regrowth time is fourteen weeks. Do not cut it during this period, as that would be a new offence against yourself.

What if I am wearing glasses? Remove them. If you cannot see the screen without them, please ask a friend to hold the phone. The friend must also be verified. This is not a joke. We have simply run out of ways to say it lightly.

What is the Verify You Are Human step? A short, friendly exercise in which you select every square containing a bicycle. Some squares contain only part of a bicycle. Users report that by the fourth attempt they no longer feel confident about bicycles, squares, or themselves. This is normal.

“Identity is a journey, not a destination. Frankly, it is more of a queue.” Graham Pettifer, Minister for Being Logged In

Helpful Support

Should you encounter difficulty, our dedicated helpline is here for you. Please have to hand your National Insurance number, your mother’s maiden name, and the name of your first pet. Callers will be asked to verify their identity before being told the line is closed. It closes at 4.30pm. It is now 4.31pm. It has been 4.31pm for some time.

Once verified, users will receive a confirmation code by text. The code expires in ninety seconds. The text arrives in ninety-one.

Reassurance

We understand some members of the public have concerns. Dr Helen Ashworth, Senior Fellow in Digital Trust at a think tank we are not naming, has been generous with her time.

“The technology works perfectly. It has correctly identified me as myself on eleven occasions, out of a total of forty-three. That is a success rate of just over one quarter, which in government terms is a triumph.” Dr Helen Ashworth, Senior Fellow in Digital Trust

The photograph of you holding a photograph of you is a key part of the process. The second photograph must show you holding a photograph of you. We are aware of where this leads. Our engineers describe it as “a very long corridor” and have asked us to stop bringing it up.

Next Steps

From spring, you will be able to use your digital ID to prove your age to websites, your identity to banks, and your existence to a man called Colin at a call centre in Swindon. Colin has asked that you not shout. He can see you are frustrated. He is frustrated too, and has been locked out of his own account since March.

Citizens who have not yet registered should do so at their earliest convenience. Those who have registered should do so again, as a precaution. Please ensure your face is the same as last time.

Thank you for your continued existence. We will be in touch, once we have confirmed that you are you.

Ends.