A Manchester resident has been unable to access his bathroom for six hours after a mandatory firmware update left his smart lock in what the manufacturer describes as “temporary compatibility mode” and what James Hartley describes as “permanently bastard mode.”

Hartley, 34, installed the Intellilock Pro 7000 in August as part of a wider home automation project that now encompasses forty-three devices, seventeen apps, and three separate subscription services. He cannot open any of them without his phone, which is currently at 2% battery because his smart charging dock has also stopped working.

“The bathroom door won’t unlock until the app updates, but the app won’t update until I agree to the new privacy policy, which is nineteen pages long,” Hartley explained through the door. “I’m on paragraph twelve. They want permission to monitor my usage patterns.”

The lock, which cost £340, replaced a manual bolt that had worked faultlessly since 1987.

Hartley’s troubles began at 6am when his smart alarm failed to go off, followed by his smart coffee maker refusing to brew without first completing a customer satisfaction survey. His smart toaster delivered a notification that his bread subscription would auto-renew at the increased rate of £8.99 monthly unless he opted out within the next four hours. He has been unable to opt out because the toaster’s companion app requires the same login credentials as his bathroom lock, and logging out of one logs him out of both.

“The toilet itself has three apps,” said Hartley. “One for flushing, one for the bidet function, and one for what they call the ‘wellness dashboard,’ which tracks things I didn’t ask it to track.”

The wellness dashboard has sent seven push notifications since breakfast, none of them useful.

Dr Emma Woodford, senior lecturer in Human-Computer Interaction at Leeds Metropolitan University, was unsympathetic. “We’ve been warning about this for years, but people kept buying internet-connected hairbrushes,” she said. “Mr Hartley’s bathroom also contains a smart mirror, smart scales, a smart shower that once ordered him £60 of luxury bath salts without permission, and a soap dispenser that requires a firmware update every six weeks. He has done this to himself.”

Hartley’s partner, who did not wish to be named, has been staying at her mother’s house since Tuesday. She declined to comment except to say that the bedroom door also has a smart lock and she saw this coming in February.

A spokesperson for Intellilock confirmed that the update would resolve itself within twenty-four hours, or until Hartley agrees to link his bathroom access data with the company’s new partnership with a targeted advertising platform. Whichever comes first.

At time of publication, Hartley’s phone was on 1% battery and he was attempting to charge it using a cable he found in the kitchen. The cable belongs to a device he no longer owns.