The British Beer & Pub Association has announced a £2 per person ‘atmosphere supplement’ to be charged at participating establishments nationwide, effective from March 1st. The fee applies to groups of three or more who maintain conversational silence for periods exceeding 12 minutes while scrolling through their devices.

The supplement, described in the press release as ‘a modest contribution towards maintaining the ambient pub experience’, will fund the deployment of Professional Banter Coordinators. These specially trained staff members will circulate among silent tables, initiating conversation with pre-approved topics including the weather, how much Freddos cost now, and whether anyone’s been watching anything good lately.

Emma Richardson, Chief Executive of the BBPA, defended the measure in a statement that radiated the energy of someone who has tried everything else first.

“We understand this may seem unconventional, but pubs are closing at a rate of 50 per month. When a group of six people nurse two Diet Cokes for three hours whilst conducting what appears to be a sponsored silence, we have to ask ourselves some difficult questions. Mainly, how are we still in business.”

The supplement will not apply to solo drinkers staring at phones, as Richardson clarified this behaviour ‘remains perfectly acceptable and indeed, very British.’ The charge specifically targets groups whose collective refusal to speak creates what the association terms ‘a conversational vacuum detrimental to the traditional pub environment.’

Professional Banter Coordinators will undergo a six week training programme covering essential skills. These include feigning interest in strangers’ opinions, deploying the phrase ‘mad isn’t it’ at appropriate intervals, and gracefully exiting conversations that accidentally veer into politics or house prices.

Trial runs in selected Greater Manchester pubs showed mixed results. Tom Davies, landlord of The King’s Arms in Stockport, reported modest success.

“Our coordinator managed to get a group of five to discuss the Oasis reunion for nearly seven minutes. They even made eye contact with each other twice. Felt like the old days, honestly.”

The BBPA estimates the supplement could raise £18 million annually, enough to subsidise the nation’s dwindling supply of functioning fruit machines and possibly replace some of the carpet. Critics have called the charge ‘dystopian’, though Richardson pointed out that dystopian would be every pub shutting down because people treat them like libraries where you can occasionally buy a lime and soda.

Several pub chains have already pledged support for the scheme. Wetherspoons is reportedly considering its own version, though theirs will involve playing the shipping forecast at high volume until conversation resumes naturally out of sheer confusion.

The association emphasised that pubs remain welcoming spaces for all, including the digitally engaged. They simply ask that groups occasionally remember they could have this level of interaction at home for free, and perhaps someone could at least pretend to enjoy being there.