FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. ISSUED FROM THE BISCUIT TIN, SECOND SHELF, BEHIND THE GOOD MUGS.

A digestive biscuit has today announced that it is now ‘high protein’, after a tense evening in the kitchen cupboard during which it realised it was the last item in there not lifting anything.

‘I came in this morning and the yoghurt had 20g on the pot,’ said the biscuit, in a statement written largely in capitals. ‘The crisps have a number on them now. The popcorn has a number. The pasta has a number and, frankly, an attitude. Even the coffee has protein, which is just a latte that has been on a course. I am a flat wheat disc with a mild sweetness and I have never felt so behind!’

The biscuit confirmed it had spent several nights reconsidering its place in the cupboard, mainly while staring at a loaf that has started calling itself ‘fuel’.

Our New Strengths

Following an intensive review, which involved sitting very still next to a cereal box, the digestive is proud to unveil the following improvements:

• Now 4g of protein*
• 0g of regret
• Still gets soggy in tea
• Same biscuit as before, but with the number on the front in a much bolder font
• Can now be described as ‘a smart snack’ by people who are not looking at it directly

Gareth Pemberton, Head of Gains at the Association of Round Biscuits, said the move had not been taken lightly.

‘A lot of our members were hesitant. A biscuit’s whole thing is being a biscuit. But then I walked down the cereal aisle and saw a box with 30g of protein and a picture of a man mid-deadlift, and I went home and lay in the dark for an hour. Our protein journey starts today. It starts at 4g, and we are not ashamed of that. Well, we are slightly, but we’re working on it.’

The digestive has already begun what it describes as ‘a full lifestyle pivot’. It has stopped referring to itself as a treat, started using the word ‘macros’ in the tin, and has been seen doing small, brave sit-ups against a packet of rice cakes, who did not ask for this.

Early feedback from the public has been encouraging. Alison Draper, a retired school receptionist from Stockport, said she had been dunking digestives for forty years and was delighted to see one finally showing some ambition.

‘I’ll have two with my tea and I’ll call it a workout, because I’ll have had to get up to put the kettle on. Honestly, if it wants to be high protein, good luck to it. I just hope it doesn’t go on about it. My nephew has gone like that and you can’t sit near him at Christmas.’

Asked whether the claim might be seen as a stretch, the digestive said it had ‘looked at what everyone else is doing’ and felt ‘extremely comfortable’ with its position. It added that if a bowl of porridge can have the word ‘power’ in its name, then a biscuit is entitled to a little ‘protein’ on the side.

The Association of Round Biscuits confirmed that other members are watching closely. A source close to the ginger nut said it was ‘considering its options’, and a hobnob has reportedly gone very quiet.

Notes to Editors

*Not available in a shake, yet. The digestive would like it noted that this is a ‘when, not if’ situation and that it has already asked the milk.

The digestive wishes to add, finally, that it has seen the custard cream has started a podcast. It has not listened to it. It sighed, said ‘good for him’, and went back to sitting very quietly next to the good mugs, doing a small, private bicep curl.