FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

HM Treasury is thrilled, genuinely thrilled, to confirm that the pay-per-mile charge for electric vehicles (3p a mile, due from April 2028) will apply to every mile driven. That includes the miles spent circling a car park in search of a working charger and, following a short internal discussion, “possibly the ones you just imagined”.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Surely not the imagined ones?” To which we say: great question, and please see Notes to Editors.

Key Facts

• The charge is 3p per mile. A typical lap of a multi-storey car park works out at roughly 0.4p, which we like to think of as a little treat for the nation.
• Miles will be counted whether the charger works, does not work, or “works, in the sense that the screen is on”.
• Reversing out of a bay in quiet defeat is still a mile, just in the other direction, and will be charged accordingly.
• Miles driven because the sat nav said a charger was “just ahead”, only for it to be a field, will be charged in full. The field will not be.
• Waiting behind a hatchback that is not even electric, parked on the only working charger, is not a mile. It is, however, a feeling, and we have noted it.

“We want every driver to feel that every mile counts,” said Helen Marsden, Head of Mileage Enthusiasm at the Treasury. “Especially the fourth lap of the retail park, when you can see the charger, the charger can see you, and neither of you is ready to commit.”

Early feedback from motorists has been warm, in the way a charging cable is warm when you really wish it wasn’t.

“I did fourteen laps on Saturday, found a charger, and it asked me to download an app. I downloaded the app. It asked me to update the app. I’m now in a different county, and I assume that’s 3p a mile as well.” Gareth Pryce, driver, Swindon

Notes to Editors

1. The charge applies to all miles driven in the United Kingdom. Miles driven in dreams will be considered on a case-by-case basis.

2. Drivers who whisper “come on, come on” at a charger will be billed at the standard rate. Drivers who add “please” will also be billed at the standard rate, though we appreciate the manners.

3. Standing beside your car holding your phone above your head to find a signal is not a mile. It is, however, a vibe, and is under review.

4. Imagined miles will be assessed by the Treasury’s Imaginary Mileage Unit, based in a room above a dry cleaner’s in Croydon. The Unit has been told it is not allowed to have a hunch.

5. Any driver who says “it’s fine, I’ve got eleven per cent, I’ll easily make it” will be charged for the miles to the nearest hotel in advance.

6. Patting the bonnet and murmuring “good girl” or “good boy” while it charges is not chargeable. Yet.

7. The term “range anxiety” has been retired and replaced with “mileage excitement”. Please do not ask who approved this.

8. This press release was written on a laptop at four per cent battery, in a café with one working socket, which is being used by a man who has been “just checking one email” since 2019.

9. Nobody at the Treasury has ever owned an electric car, but we have seen a lot of photographs of them, and they look lovely.

Ministerial Comment

“Britain’s roads have feelings, and mostly those feelings are 3p. When a driver circles a car park, the tarmac feels it. When a driver imagines a mile, the tarmac feels that too, and frankly so do I. We are not taking money from motorists; we are helping them process their journey.” Fiona Hargreaves MP, Minister for Tarmac Feelings