A Costa Coffee in Clapham has become the first UK branch to employ a full-time Milk Alternatives Sommelier following an incident last Tuesday in which a customer required medical attention after becoming overwhelmed by the choice between Minor Figures, Oatly Barista Edition, and the shop’s own-brand oat milk.
The customer, a 34-year-old marketing consultant named Jennifer Pemberton, reportedly stood frozen at the counter for 45 minutes while weighing up the environmental credentials, mouthfeel, and foam stability of each option. Staff only intervened when she began hyperventilating into a reusable coffee cup.
“We now stock seven types of oat milk alone,” explained branch manager David Hartley. “Add in your almonds, your soys, your coconuts, and your occasional hemp milk enthusiast, and you’re looking at thirteen distinct non-dairy options. It’s gotten a bit out of hand, to be honest.”
The newly appointed sommelier, 28-year-old Rebecca Thornton, previously worked as an actual wine sommelier at a Michelin-starred restaurant in Shoreditch. She now spends her days guiding customers through what she calls “the terroir of alternative milks”.
“Minor Figures offers a clean finish with subtle notes of Swedish innovation,” Thornton explained, with the kind of intensity usually reserved for discussing Grand Cru vineyards. “Oatly Barista has a more robust body, perfect for customers who enjoy a hint of smugness with their morning latte. And our own-brand provides excellent value for people who’ve accepted they’re not actually that fussed.”
“I can tell within seconds whether someone’s an Alpro person or a Rude Health person. It’s all in the eyes.”
Thornton has developed a twelve-point questionnaire to determine each customer’s ideal milk alternative, covering topics ranging from their thoughts on Greta Thunberg to whether they own a Nutribullet. She can also, apparently, pair specific plant milks with particular pastries, though she admits the almond milk and almond croissant combination “feels a bit on the nose”.
The position comes with a starting salary of £32,000 and requires candidates to complete a four-week intensive course on the history of oat cultivation in Scandinavia.
Customer response has been mixed. Local teacher Simon Walsh said he appreciated the guidance but felt “slightly judged” when Thornton steered him away from soya milk, calling it “a bit 2015”.
Meanwhile, Pemberton, the customer whose meltdown inspired the new role, has reportedly switched to ordering filter coffee. Black.
Costa has announced plans to roll out Milk Alternatives Sommeliers to another fifty branches by March, depending on whether they can find fifty people willing to take oat milk that seriously. Early recruitment efforts have focused on former philosophy students and anyone who describes themselves as “a bit of a foodie” on dating apps.
When reached for comment, a Starbucks spokesperson said they were monitoring the situation closely while simultaneously wondering if they’d already gone too far by offering both sweetened and unsweetened almond milk.
