FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Marks & Spencer has today unveiled its most body-positive initiative yet: a limited edition ‘Summer Body’ Colin the Caterpillar cake featuring 40% less chocolate filling, the same amount of external chocolate shell, and absolutely no reduction in price.
The beloved £8 cake, which has been a staple of British birthday parties and passive-aggressive office leaving dos since 1990, will now come in a format that M&S describes as “perfectly aligned with your wellness journey, whether you asked to go on one or not.”
“We listened to our customers,” said Sarah Edmunds, Head of Seasonal Confectionery at M&S. “They told us they wanted Colin to reflect their summer aspirations. They wanted to feel less guilty about eating an entire caterpillar made of chocolate. And most importantly, they wanted to pay £7.50 for what is essentially a hollow chocolate log with a face on it.”
The new Summer Body Colin maintains the exact same exterior dimensions as the original, a detail M&S is particularly proud of. The reduction in filling has been achieved through what the press release calls “innovative air-gap technology,” which appears to be several centimetres of empty space where buttercream used to live.
Early taste-testers have described the experience as “like biting into a Cadbury’s Creme Egg that’s given up,” and “surprisingly philosophical, actually, when you think about how we’re all just shells containing progressively less substance.”
The packaging features Colin lounging confidently on a beach towel, his chocolate segments glistening in illustrated sunshine, with the tagline “Same Great Taste, More Room for Salad.” The back of the box includes serving suggestions such as “pairs beautifully with existential dread” and “why not try cutting into even smaller pieces to make it last longer?”
“This isn’t shrinkflation,” insisted Martin Cooper, M&S Communications Director, when pressed on whether customers might feel short-changed. “This is proactive portion mindfulness. Colin’s been hitting the gym. He’s on a cut. We’re simply passing those gains, or losses, or whatever this is, directly to the consumer.”
The Summer Body range will also include Connie the Caterpillar, who has apparently been “toning up” as well, and Cecil, who M&S confirms is “taking a more holistic approach to his wellness” by costing £9.
When asked whether a 40% reduction in ingredients might warrant a price decrease, Edmunds looked momentarily confused before explaining that the remaining 60% of filling is now “artisanal air,” which is actually more expensive to source than buttercream.
Summer Body Colin hits shelves next week, just in time for the British summer, which M&S predicts will last for up to three days in late July. Regular Colin will still be available, though he’s now been rebrand as “Winter Bulk Colin” and moved to the back of the shop, next to the meal deals and your fading sense of consumer trust.
