FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: SERVICE UPDATE FOR ALL VALUED VICTIMS
Lovely Little Encryptions Ltd today wrote to its client base, which did not ask to be its client base, to advise of upcoming changes to the way in which it will not be paid. The changes follow the government’s plan to prohibit public sector bodies and operators of critical national infrastructure from paying ransoms, a measure being taken forward alongside the Cyber Security and Resilience Bill at the start of Cyber Security Awareness Month.
“We would like to begin by saying thank you,” said Graham Pettifer, Head of Client Relations at the company. “Many of you have been with us since your last unpatched server, and your loyalty has not gone unnoticed. We were sorry to learn that, going forward, you will be legally unable to give us money. We appreciate this is disappointing for everybody involved, although we accept it is mainly disappointing for us.”
What is changing
Once the ban takes effect, affected organisations will no longer be able to select the Pay Us Quickly option, historically the most popular of our three tiers, the others being Pay Us Slowly and Pay Us After Telling Nobody. The company regrets any inconvenience caused by legislation and would like to stress that it was not consulted, which it describes as a disappointing oversight on the part of Parliament.
In recognition of the changed circumstances, Lovely Little Encryptions is pleased to introduce a new Essential tier. Under this tier, victims may settle their obligations by sending a strongly worded letter, ideally on headed paper, addressed to the Director of Extortion at a PO box in a jurisdiction the company would prefer not to name. Letters should not exceed two sides of A4. Emails will be accepted but are, the company notes, less likely to be read.
“We have always believed in a relationship built on mutual trust. They trusted us to restore their files, and we trusted them to panic at a sensible hour.” Davina Hollis, Customer Retention Lead, Lovely Little Encryptions Ltd
Frequently asked questions
Will my files still be encrypted? Yes. This is a separate matter and remains a core part of the service.
Can I pay through a third party, a cousin, or a consultancy? We would advise against it, and not for the reasons you might hope. Our compliance function, a man called Keith, has read the guidance twice and remains unclear on cousins.
My organisation has a cyber insurance policy. Does that change anything? We are unable to comment on your policy, although we understand the wording on page fourteen is quite firm.
How long will my data remain on your leak site? Our leak site is currently experiencing higher than usual demand. Your data is expected to be published within eleven working days, or sooner if you have been particularly rude to us in correspondence.
I have already paid. Does the ban apply to me? It does not, and thank you. We would ask that you do not mention it to anyone, including us.
Looking ahead
Ms Hollis said the company remained committed to the customer experience in a challenging regulatory climate. “Our research shows that satisfaction among non-paying clients has fallen sharply, and by that I mean they have not replied to any of our messages, including the one with the countdown timer. We want to rebuild that relationship. We are looking at a loyalty scheme, though we have not yet worked out what the points would be redeemable against.”
Mr Pettifer added that the company intended to remain flexible. “Our model has always adapted to changing conditions. We moved from emailed attachments to remote desktop access, and from remote desktop access to whatever it is this month. If the future is a strongly worded letter, then we shall read the strongly worded letter, and we shall give it the attention it deserves.”
Victims with questions about the changes can contact the company using the chat window that has opened on their screen, which cannot be closed. Lovely Little Encryptions Ltd would like to remind all customers that their call is important to us, and that they are currently fourth in the queue.
