The Nobel announcements begin next week, starting with Physiology or Medicine. Somewhere in Britain, a professor has already ironed a shirt. Here is how to look relaxed while waiting for a phone to ring.

1. Keep the phone on loud “for the boiler engineer”

Nobody has seen a boiler engineer in the Department of Cell Signalling since 2019. Professor Alan Whitcombe, 61, has set his ringer to maximum regardless. “The boiler is temperamental,” he said. “It could go at any time.” The boiler was replaced in March.

2. Wear a nice shirt to the Tuesday lab meeting

Not a smart shirt. A nice one. Cotton, ironed, slightly too good for a discussion about freezer allocation. Dr Helen Prowse, a senior lecturer, insists she always dresses like this. Her postdocs have photographs of her in a fleece.

3. Rearrange the tea rota

The call must be taken in private, and the kitchen is where the department gathers. The rota has therefore been quietly rewritten so that nobody is on tea duty before noon. Fourteen people are now without tea. Two have asked questions. Both were told it was “a resourcing thing”.

4. Stand near a window, looking at a hedge

A person who has just been told they might change medicine forever would stare at a hedge. A person staring at a hedge is therefore, by logic, a person who might have been told that. Hold a mug. It does not need to contain anything.

5. Mention Sweden, lightly

“I hear it’s lovely at this time of year,” is a perfectly normal thing to say in a corridor. Say it to the departmental administrator. Say it twice. Practise your surprised voice in the car, with three versions: mild surprise, humble surprise, and “oh, that’s very kind of them”.

6. Leave a graph open on your screen

It should be a good graph. Ideally one with an upward line and a footnote. If the call comes, you will be found mid-thought, rather than refreshing a news page for the ninth time since breakfast.

7. Ignore the tipsters

Every year, citation analysts publish lists of “ones to watch”. Dr Priya Raman, a bibliometrics consultant, has compiled several.

“We have been tipping the same eleven people for nineteen years. Four have since retired. One has taken up beekeeping and says he has never been happier.”

Dr Raman added that the beekeeper still checks his phone.

8. Decline all morning meetings for “a thing”

Do not elaborate. Say “a thing” and look briefly at the middle distance. Colleagues will assume a dentist. Your head of department, who has also declined all morning meetings, will assume nothing and say nothing, and the two of you will pass in the corridor like ships.

9. Announce that you never wanted it anyway

This stage arrives at about 12.40pm. Professor Derek Haldane, 58, was clear on the matter. “Honestly, it’s a popularity contest,” he said, from behind a laptop. “I wouldn’t have had the time. I’ve got a very full diary.” His diary for the day is empty, because he cleared it.

On the laptop, the tab behind his email was open to his own Wikipedia page. The phrase “widely regarded as” had been changed to “one of the foremost”, and a new line had been added under Awards and Honours: “Frequently mentioned.” He turned the ringer down, then back up again, then said it was probably the boiler.

By 1.15pm, an anonymous editor had reverted the changes, citing “no source”.