A Nottingham man is tonight questioning every decision that led him to a Nando’s booth, sweating through a chicken burger he actively doesn’t want to be eating, after ordering medium peri-peri in what witnesses describe as “a tragic display of third date bravado”.
Tom Richardson, 28, reportedly bypassed his usual lemon and herb without hesitation when asked by staff what spice level he wanted, instead committing to medium with the kind of false confidence usually reserved for people who think they can parallel park on the first attempt.
The decision came despite Richardson having described Doritos Cool Original as “a bit much” to friends on multiple occasions.
“I could see him looking at the spice chart on the wall,” said Emma Hartley, who was attempting to enjoy her own sensibly ordered garlic bread starter. “His eyes were doing that thing where you can tell someone’s having an internal crisis. I even said he could get lemon and herb, that I literally didn’t care, but he just laughed and said medium was ‘barely spicy, really’.”
Hartley added that Richardson had been “completely normal” on their first two dates, which took place at a pub and a pizza restaurant respectively, venues that did not require him to publicly quantify his relationship with capsaicin.
The situation reportedly deteriorated within four minutes of the food arriving. Richardson was observed taking increasingly smaller bites, drinking his Coke at a rate the restaurant hasn’t seen since they accidentally served someone hot sauce instead of ketchup in 2019, and making extended eye contact with a promotional poster for PERi-Tamer sauce while wondering if it was too late to ask for some.
“He kept saying he was just eating slowly because he wanted to ‘savour it’,” said Hartley. “But his face was the colour of the medium label and he’d gone through three napkins. At one point he excused himself to the toilets and I’m ninety percent sure he just stood under the hand dryer for a bit.”
Staff member Jordan Mills confirmed the incident matched a pattern the restaurant sees roughly twice per weekend. “You can always tell,” Mills explained. “They order medium with this weird aggressive confidence, like they’re trying to prove something to the spice chart itself. Then about halfway through the meal they’re looking at their date like they’re hoping for a medical emergency so they can stop eating.”
Richardson has since admitted that he “may have overestimated” his spice tolerance, but remains adamant that ordering lemon and herb would have “sent the wrong message” about his personality, though he was unable to articulate what the right message would have been.
At the time of publication, Hartley has agreed to a fourth date, but has suggested they go somewhere that doesn’t require Richardson to perform culinary machismo. Richardson has proposed Wagamama, where he’ll almost certainly order something with a chilli rating he can’t handle.