Man Who Leaves Engine Running on School Run Excited to Finally Do His Bit by Switching to Bamboo Toilet Paper
A father of two who idles his 2.3-tonne Range Rover Sport outside the school gates for approximately forty minutes each weekday has…
Nation’s SUV drivers promise to offset carbon footprint by feeling quite guilty about it
Britain’s ever-growing fleet of SUV owners have collectively pledged to counterbalance their vehicles’ environmental impact through a rigorous programme of intermittent remorse…
Environment
Nation’s recycling bins to be replaced with ‘aspiration repositories’ where plastic goes to feel valued
The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has announced that all household recycling bins across England will be renamed ‘aspiration repositories’…
Environment
Nation’s carbon offsetting schemes now just blokes planting Japanese knotweed in lay-bys
An investigation by this publication has found that approximately seventy per cent of Britain’s carbon offset projects consist of men in hi-vis…
Man who flies to three stag dos a year wondering why his recycling bin is full
A Manchester resident who has attended stag weekends in Prague, Budapest and Kraków since February is struggling to understand why his household…
Starmer confirms he’s perfectly happy to wait until 2029 to have any actual policies
The Prime Minister has reassured the nation that there is absolutely no rush to implement any of the housing reforms, NHS improvements,…
Business
British Gas announces new ‘standing charge for not being a standing charge’ to appear on April bills
British Gas has confirmed that customers will see a new line item on their April bills described as a ‘standing charge administration…
Animals
Britain’s hedgehogs demand flexible working arrangements after discovering they’re more productive at dawn
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE The British Hedgehog Collective has formally submitted a request to the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs seeking…
Business
Man who bought £4.20 meal deal now Britain’s foremost expert on inflation
A telecommunications worker from Basingstoke has been recognised as the nation’s leading authority on macroeconomic policy after purchasing a Tesco Finest meal…
Environment
Man who installed heat pump spends more time explaining heat pump than heat pump has spent heating house
Martin Hendricks, 48, has dedicated approximately 127 hours to explaining how his air source heat pump works since its installation in November,…