FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Brussels Sprouts (Small, Green, Round), c/o Every Christmas Dinner in Britain
Hello! Yes, it’s us. Please don’t turn the page. Brussels sprouts today confirm that they contain some protein, and we would like you to know that we have been told to “lean into the protein moment” by our comms team, who are also sprouts, and who have never been so frightened.
We have walked the supermarket aisles. We have seen the protein yoghurts, the protein cereals, the protein crisps, the protein puddings and, God help us, the protein coffee. Coffee! Coffee has never once been asked to sit next to a turkey and make small talk. And yet here it is, flexing in a recyclable cup, while we sit in a steamer going slowly grey.
Introducing: Now With Gains
After months of workshopping, we are proud to unveil our new tagline: Now With Gains. We have also updated our logo, which is the same sprout but standing up straighter.
Independent analysis confirms that we contain roughly three grams of protein per 100g. We appreciate this is not a huge number. We did not choose it. We would, however, ask you to consider that we have been quietly doing this the whole time, without a podcast.
“We were told to lean into the protein moment, so we leant. A few of them fell over, but that’s just the shape.” Helen Marsh, Head of Brand Partnerships, Brassica Collective
Our Commitments
We know that change takes more than a slogan. That is why we are making three firm pledges to the British public this festive season.
First, we will be less sulphurous in tone. We have heard the feedback, and the feedback was coming from the other end of the table with a hand over its nose. We are working on it. We have been boiled for eleven minutes less, in a gesture of good faith.
Second, we promise to stop being served as a “side” when we are clearly, at three grams per 100g, a lifestyle.
Third, we will try not to take it personally when we are the last thing left in the dish on Boxing Day, cold, glistening, and quietly rehearsing a speech.
A Brief Note on Parsnips
We are not bitter. We are, admittedly, a bit bitter, but that is chemistry rather than a personality flaw. We simply wish to observe, without naming names, that a certain root vegetable gets drizzled in honey, rolled in thyme, and carried to the table like a newborn prince. Nobody has ever asked a parsnip to “just try it”. Nobody has ever hidden a parsnip in a napkin. We are only saying.
Dr Priya Nair, a registered dietitian, confirmed the claim with some caution.
“It’s technically true. They do contain protein. You would need to eat roughly a wheelie bin of them to match a chicken breast, but I would never want to dampen anyone’s spirits, least of all a sprout’s.” Dr Priya Nair, Registered Dietitian
Early consumer reaction has been mixed. Graham Pickering, 54, a retired quantity surveyor from Stockport, said he was “open to the idea” but could not promise anything.
“I’ve been wrapping them in a napkin and putting them in my trouser pocket since 1989. My wife knows. The dog knows. I’d like to say the protein changes things, but I’d be lying, and it’s Christmas.” Graham Pickering, 54, Stockport
Notes to Editors
Brussels sprouts are available in all major supermarkets, most gardens, and the back of your fridge from approximately 3 December. We are also available in a roasted format, with bacon, which we understand is where most of the goodwill comes from. We are not proud. We will take it.
Finally, a small and hopeful footnote. We would like to stress that this entire campaign is built on one simple dream: that this Christmas, somebody, anybody, might eat one of us in full view of the table. No napkin. No sly slide under the gravy boat. No sudden need to “just let the dog out”. Just one fork, one sprout, and a quiet, dignified “actually, that’s not bad”. We will be in the steamer. We will be waiting. We have gains now.
