A chartered accountant from Stevenage has concluded, after what he describes as an entirely reasonable Saturday afternoon with a spreadsheet, that it would be substantially more cost-effective to personally ignite the United Kingdom’s offshore gas reserves than continue paying his current standing charge.
Martin Hendry, 43, began his calculations after receiving his January energy bill, which he noted was roughly equivalent to the GDP of a small Baltic nation. Working backwards from his monthly direct debit of £347, Hendry determined that hiring a boat, acquiring sufficient accelerant, and setting the entire North Sea ablaze would break even after approximately eighteen months, assuming he could maintain a decent flame and avoid most of the maritime law.
“The numbers were quite clear,” Hendry said, gesturing to a laptop displaying several colour-coded tabs. “Even accounting for boat fuel, which is diesel so slightly cheaper than heating a two-bedroom terrace in Hertfordshire, and a decent waterproof lighter, I would be in profit by winter 2025. I have not factored in legal costs but I assume they would be offset by the savings.”
The calculation comes as the government approved 27 new North Sea drilling licences whilst simultaneously publishing a strategy document entitled ‘Britain’s Path to Net Zero’, which sources confirm exists as both a PDF and a printed booklet that cost £140,000 to produce. The two initiatives were announced within four hours of each other by different ministers who have reportedly never met.
Hendry’s methodology, which he has shared on a personal blog that receives approximately seven visits per month, includes a detailed breakdown of Calor gas prices, the combustion temperature of natural gas, and the surface area of Britain’s continental shelf. He has also created a subsidiary calculation showing that it would be cheaper to heat his home by burning five-pound notes in a metal bin, though he noted this option ranked only third overall.
“I think what surprised me most was how little the margins were,” he added. “I expected setting fire to a major body of water to be prohibitively expensive, the sort of thing only available to governments or people with bitcoins. But it turns out it is merely expensive, which puts it in the same bracket as having a hot shower in February.”
Jennifer Aldridge, a spokesperson for British Gas, said the company took customer feedback seriously and had a range of payment plans available for those struggling with bills. When asked about Hendry’s specific findings, she confirmed that the company could neither encourage nor prevent customers from committing acts of mass arson in territorial waters, as this fell outside the terms and conditions.
Hendry says he has no immediate plans to act on his research, largely because he does not own a boat and suffers from seasickness. He has, however, printed the spreadsheet and attached it to his next meter reading.
