The nation’s largest purveyor of £2.49 pints and carpets that tell stories nobody wants to hear has announced a dramatic shift in direction after accidentally employing a man with a beard.
Wetherspoons, long considered the final bastion against overpriced beer served in jam jars, will begin stocking craft IPAs with names like ‘Hop Wizard’s Destiny’ and ‘Marginally Bitter Nonsense’ following what management describes as an ‘administrative oversight’ in their Croydon branch.
The new employee, 27-year-old Tom Henderson, arrived for his first shift sporting what witnesses describe as ‘a full beard situation’ and reportedly used the word ‘notes’ to describe a lager within his first hour.
‘We thought he was just scruffy,’ admitted area manager Julie Patterson. ‘By the time we realised he could identify different hop varieties, he’d already convinced three regulars that beer should cost more than a meal deal. The damage was done.’
Henderson, whose employment application apparently failed to include a recent photograph, has since introduced a chalkboard menu featuring ‘tasting flights’ and something called a ‘smoked porter with hints of leather and regret.’ The chalkboard itself cost more than the pub’s entire wine list.
Regular customer Keith Morrison, 58, expressed confusion at the changes. ‘I’ve been coming here for fifteen years specifically because nobody talks to me about flavour profiles,’ he said, nursing what he insists on calling ‘a normal beer.’ ‘Yesterday someone offered me a stout aged in whisky barrels. I’m drinking at 11am on a Tuesday. I’m not looking for complexity.’
The transformation has been swift and merciless. The laminated menus now feature QR codes. The sticky tables have been deemed ‘rustic.’ A member of staff was overhead describing the carpet as ‘vintage’ rather than ‘a biohazard.’
Most troublingly, Henderson has begun arranging the bottles by region rather than price, a system that several customers claim has added up to four minutes to their ordering experience.
Wetherspoons head office released a statement confirming that beard checks will now be mandatory during the interview process. ‘We remain committed to providing affordable drinks in buildings that used to be banks,’ the statement read. ‘This means clean-shaven staff who understand that beer comes in exactly two varieties: cold and colder.’
However, leaked internal documents suggest the company is now in talks with suppliers of ‘small batch’ spirits and considering the installation of Edison bulbs, widely regarded as the gateway drug to full gastro pub conversion.
Henderson could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly too busy explaining to a pensioner why a beer called ‘Moody Bovine’ actually tastes quite nice once you get past the initial bitterness, the secondary bitterness, and the lingering aftertaste of having paid £8.50 for it.
The Croydon branch will continue serving its famous mixed grill for £6.99, though it now comes with ‘hand-cut chips’ that look suspiciously identical to the old ones.