FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JD Wetherspoon is thrilled to announce the launch of Wetherspoons Prestige, a premium dining concept set to revolutionise the British pub landscape by offering meals that cost upwards of £4.50.
Rolling out across twelve select locations this autumn, Wetherspoons Prestige represents our commitment to listening to customers who have repeatedly said things like “I wish this curry came with an actual fork” and “do you reckon they’d notice if I just brought my own glass?”
The elevated dining experience will feature a range of exciting innovations, including napkins made from paper rather than repurposed kitchen roll, chips served in a metal basket with greaseproof paper that looks a bit French, and cutlery that matches on both ends.
“We recognised a gap in the market for customers who want the Spoons experience but with the option to not see the entire pub from their toilet cubicle,” said Rebecca Norton, Head of Premium Integration at JD Wetherspoon. “Wetherspoons Prestige offers the same great value our customers expect, but now the carpet pattern will make you only slightly nauseous rather than fully disoriented.”
The Prestige menu will include signature dishes such as the Gourmet Ultimate Burger, which is exactly the same as the Ultimate Burger but served on a wooden board, and the Pan-Seared Chicken Breast, distinguished from the regular chicken breast by having been near a pan at some point during its journey.
Additional premium touches include tablecloths that wipe clean, the removal of at least sixty percent of sticky patches from each table, and mood lighting achieved by replacing some of the fluorescent tubes with slightly dimmer fluorescent tubes.
“The attention to detail is incredible,” said Martin Hughes, who participated in a customer focus group after his third pint. “They’re even talking about proper coffee. Not good coffee, obviously. Just coffee from a machine that looks like it belongs in this decade. I’m genuinely moved.”
Salt and pepper will be served in matching shakers rather than one functional shaker and one decorative ornament from somebody’s nan’s house. Tomato ketchup will remain in the same squeezy bottles but will be wiped down quarterly rather than annually.
The pubs selected for the Prestige upgrade will also feature dedicated dining zones, cordoned off from the main drinking area by a small potted plant and an overwhelming sense of unearned superiority.
Prices for main courses will range from £4.50 to an eye-watering £7.99, though meal deals including a soft drink will still be available for those not quite ready to commit to the full fine dining experience.
“We’re not trying to be something we’re not,” Norton added. “We’re still the pub where you can get a full English at 9am and absolutely no one will ask if you’re alright. We’ve just added the option to feel slightly less ashamed about it.”
Wetherspoons Prestige locations will be identifiable by a small badge on the door and an almost imperceptible reduction in the smell of industrial cleaner mixed with last night’s regrets.