The Department of Health and Social Care has announced a new clinical pathway for gamers displaying symptoms of what medical professionals are calling Acute Pre-Order Syndrome, particularly those who have reserved GTA VI on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, and PC despite only owning one of those consoles.
The treatment, formally titled Outdoor Tactile Botanical Therapy but known colloquially as ‘touching grass’, will be available on the NHS from April and involves patients making physical contact with outdoor vegetation for a minimum of fifteen minutes daily.
Dr Sarah Mitchell, Lead Consultant in Digital Wellness at Manchester Royal Infirmary, explained the clinical need. “We’re seeing patients who’ve not only pre-ordered multiple editions but can recite the entire trailer frame by frame. One gentleman came in last week having spent four hundred quid on various versions of a game that doesn’t release until September. He’d also bookmarked seventeen YouTube videos analysing a three-second clip of a bin.”
The condition appears to be reaching epidemic proportions. Symptoms include checking Reddit every twelve minutes for new leaks, creating spreadsheets comparing the bonus content across different retailer exclusives, and genuinely believing this time Rockstar will definitely include a functioning online heist mode at launch.
Treatment protocols specify that patients must touch actual grass, not artificial turf or the sad patch of lawn outside their local Tesco Metro. The grass must be outdoor grass. Your mate’s wheatgrass shot does not count, and neither does the garnish on your Nando’s plate.
“The therapeutic benefits are remarkable,” said Tom Harrison, a physiotherapist piloting the programme in Leeds. “After just one week of prescribed grass touching, patients report decreased urge to watch speculation videos about whether the map will include Las Venturas. Some have even deleted their Vice City fan fiction.”
The NHS has clarified that the treatment is not intended to shame gaming as a hobby but to address genuinely concerning behaviours, such as taking two weeks of annual leave for a game that will absolutely have server issues on day one, or arguing in the comments section about whether the new protagonist’s walk cycle is realistic enough.
Participating GP surgeries will offer grass touching sessions in their car parks, though the programme has faced early setbacks after several patients simply stood outside scrolling through r/GTA6 on their phones. Advanced cases may require supervised park visits with mobile devices confiscated.
The Department has urged anyone experiencing symptoms, including waking up in a cold sweat worried about cloud saves or seriously considering buying a second PlayStation 5 just for storage space, to contact their GP immediately.
Or, radically, they could just wait until September and buy it once.