FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, EMBARGOED UNTIL NOBODY IS LOOKING

Mildly Ambitious Solutions Ltd, the Reading-based provider of workflow consultancy and mid-range office furniture leasing, today announced, with what it described as measured enthusiasm, that it will make no further announcements about the environment, with effect from the end of this paragraph.

Background to the Decision

The company, which previously published a thirty-eight-page sustainability report featuring a foreword in a typeface selected by a consultant, said it had reviewed the wider landscape. This included tougher consumer-protection rules on environmental claims, and a general mood in which saying anything at all attracts either a solicitor’s letter or a man on the internet. It concluded that the safest course was to say nothing, and to say it at length.

The firm was keen to stress that nothing in its earlier reports was inaccurate. It had simply become aware that those statements had been made in public, where people could read them.

“We have not stopped caring. We have stopped saying so, which is a different thing and, our lawyers advise, a considerably cheaper one,” said Helen Prosser, Chief Executive of Mildly Ambitious Solutions. “Whatever we are doing, we are doing it at a volume appropriate to the circumstances.”

A Quiet Commitment

The company confirmed that it retains an environmental target, set in 2021, which it will not be naming, dating or rounding to the nearest ten. The target is written on an index card held in a locked drawer at the Reading office. The key is kept by Facilities, who have been told it is for something else.

Progress against the target will be reviewed annually, in a room with the blinds down, by a group of senior staff who have agreed not to take minutes. A summary of the review will be circulated to nobody.

To oversee the new approach, the firm has created the post of Head of Not Bringing It Up. The role is held by Dominic Farrow, formerly Head of Sustainability Communications, who was retitled following a forty-minute conversation that all parties now describe as constructive.

“The job is mostly about timing,” said Mr Farrow. “If someone at a supplier lunch begins to say the word ‘net’, I have about four seconds to ask whether anyone has found parking. I have not yet had to use it, but I keep it ready, like a fire extinguisher.”

Launch Event

The announcement was marked on Thursday with a launch event in a conference suite at a hotel off the A33, attended by forty-one guests. Delegates were asked to leave their lanyards in a tray at the door, on the grounds that the previous year’s lanyards had been green, and to refrain from mentioning trees, woodland, leaves or any other thing that grows, with the exception of the business.

Catering was beige throughout and was served without reference to provenance. The printed agenda was left blank on one side, to avoid implying a position on paper. Tea was provided in cups of unspecified material. A ficus in the hotel reception was moved to a stationery cupboard for the duration, where it is understood to have done rather well.

Asked whether the company had in any sense lost interest in the planet, Priya Nair, Head of Communications, paused for some time before answering.

“We remain deeply passionate about the planet, in private, like a hobby,” said Ms Nair. “Some people have a model railway. We have a long-term view on emissions, and we take it out at weekends when the office is empty.”

Notes to Editors

Journalists seeking further comment should contact the press office, which will be closed for the purposes of this announcement. Any questions received will be acknowledged, filed and appreciated.

Mildly Ambitious Solutions Ltd employs around two hundred people across three sites and holds, in its own words, a number of views, which it looks forward to not sharing with you in the years ahead.