FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, BUT NOT FOR ESPECIALLY WIDE RELEASE
Wibbleton Synergistic Holdings plc (“Wibbleton”, “the Group” or “the Company”, depending on which of our three legal teams is reading) is pleased to announce that it remains fully committed to its net zero ambitions, and that it will not, from the date of this release, be saying so again.
A Statement on Not Making Statements
Following a period of reflection, a further period of reflection about that reflection, and a half-day offsite in a conference room near Swindon, the Board has concluded that the Group’s climate commitments are best served by a lower profile. The targets have not changed. They have not been abandoned, softened, deferred or reclassified as aspirations. They have simply been asked to wait quietly in the corridor while the adults discuss something else.
The Group’s Sustainability Report, previously a 112-page document with a foreword, a gatefold infographic and a photograph of a wind turbine at dawn, has been moved to a drawer in the second-floor admin office. The drawer is marked “Misc”. It shares its contents with a set of spare lanyards, a stapler without staples and the instruction manual for a franking machine retired in 2011. The report remains available to anyone who asks, provided they know which drawer, which floor, and that they are supposed to ask.
“Sustainability is not something you say. It is something you do, ideally on a Thursday afternoon when nobody is looking. I have been doing it since March and I can confirm it is going very well, in so far as I am prepared to confirm anything.” Helen Draycott, Head of Quietly Getting On With It
What Will Change
Nothing will change. The Group will continue to reduce emissions at the pace at which it was reducing them before, a pace it will not be disclosing. Its Scope 3 figures, once published annually alongside a pie chart in three shades of green, will now be held in a spreadsheet called “Final_v7_USE THIS ONE”. The words “ambitious”, “journey” and “pathway” have been withdrawn from all external communications, as has the green leaf on the letterhead, which has been replaced by a marginally darker green leaf that nobody is expected to notice.
The announcement coincides with the gathering of world leaders in Antalya for COP31, where a great many commitments are expected to be made, loudly, in front of banners. The Group did consider making one. It concluded that the more responsible course was to be somewhere else, doing the work, in a manner that cannot be photographed.
Martin Ellery, Chief Financial Officer, said: “Our investors have consistently told us they value transparency, and we have been entirely transparent about our wish to be less visible. If you think about it for long enough, that is a form of disclosure. I would rather you did not think about it for long enough.”
Priya Nair, the Group’s Facilities Manager, who was responsible for identifying the drawer, added: “I was asked to find a drawer. I found a drawer. It was the nearest one, and it was already quite full, so I do not think anyone should read anything into it.”
Looking Ahead
The Group anticipates that its climate performance over the coming year will be broadly consistent with its climate performance over the previous year, and that stakeholders will be able to form their own view of this by not being told about it. A modest internal newsletter, circulated on request, will continue to cover the recycling rota. The Group would like to thank its employees, customers and shareholders for their understanding, and for not following up.
Notes to Editors
1. This release is issued in the strongest possible confidence and should not be quoted, paraphrased, summarised or referred to in any way, including as “a press release”.
2. Photographs of the drawer are not available. The drawer has been closed.
3. Helen Draycott is not available for interview, and has asked that this fact not be reported either.
4. Enquiries should be directed to the Group press office, which has been relocated to the same drawer.
