FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. Westminster.
The UK Space Agency today confirmed that it has been absorbed into the Department for Science, Innovation and Technology. It wishes to reassure the public that nothing has changed, apart from the building, the reporting lines, the budget codes and the lanyards.
The Agency described the move as “a realignment of orbital priorities within a streamlined delivery landscape”. It added that it remains “in orbit, just round something much duller”.
A leaner mission profile
The merger is part of a wider government drive to reduce the number of arm’s-length bodies. The Agency was previously at arm’s length. It is now at approximately desk length.
Mission Control has been relocated to a shared desk by the printer on the second floor. Staff report that the desk has an excellent view of the printer. The printer, which is jammed, has no view of anything.
The Agency anticipates significant synergies. A synergy is understood to occur when two organisations discover they have been sharing one kettle.
“We have always reached for the stars. We will now be reaching for them via a form. Form SP-14, I believe, although the intranet link is broken.” Dr Helen Marsden, Interim Head of Orbital Strategy (Acting), formerly Head of Orbital Strategy
Things we can still do
- Look upwards.
- Issue a statement.
- Sigh, audibly, in a corridor.
- Describe the sky as “an area of strategic interest”.
- Attend a launch, subject to a visitor pass.
Launch schedule
All launches are now subject to the departmental room-booking system. The Agency’s plan to return to the Moon will proceed “subject to the availability of the third-floor meeting room”. The room is currently booked until March by a working group on the future of meetings.
The Saturn V-class heavy-lift capability once pencilled in for the Agency’s longer-term ambitions has been replaced by a Teams call. At the time of writing, the call is displaying the message “Waiting for the host to let you in”. The host is understood to be on mute. Or in orbit. Nobody has checked.
Graham Pritchard, Deputy Head of Workplace Services, said lunar requests would be handled in the usual way. “Priority Category Four, which sits below ‘away day’ and above ‘cake’,” he said. “We have had a lot of interest in that room. I can offer the Moon a slot on a Thursday afternoon, but I would need to know how many chairs.”
Welcome to the new building
Agency staff have been warmly welcomed to their new home, which features a carpet with a large stain. One visitor said it resembled Australia. Another said it resembled a larger, sadder Australia.
Staff have been issued with temporary lanyards reading “VISITOR”. The Agency notes that this is, technically, what every astronaut has ever been.
Notes to editors
1. The Agency’s former logo, a planet with a swoosh, will be retired. It will be replaced by the departmental logo, which is smaller and has no swoosh.
2. The Moon has not been consulted on the revised timeline. It is understood to be relaxed.
3. All press enquiries should be directed to the shared inbox, which is monitored on Tuesdays.
