Britain has decided that protein is the only nutrient that matters. Fibre has been quietly moved to a smaller font. Supermarkets have responded by adding protein to anything that holds still. None of the following items were consulted.

They are ranked from mildly put out to openly alarmed.

1. Porridge

Porridge was already doing fine. It had oats, a quiet dignity and a pan. Now it arrives with a scoop of vanilla powder sitting in the bowl like a bad decision. It will not complain. It will simply go cold about it.

2. Cottage cheese

Cottage cheese has been high in protein since 1974 and was never thanked. It now sits at eye level under a sticker reading "GAINS". It is smug and furious in equal measure. Both feelings taste faintly sour.

3. A doorstop crumpet

Seventeen grams of protein per crumpet, according to the pack. The crumpet was built to hold butter in its holes. It now has a macro split. Its holes feel judged.

4. A pot of custard

Custard has been told to "build lean". It does not know what this means. It is custard. Lean was never on the table, and it knows that, and so does the spoon.

5. One satsuma

A sticker on a single satsuma declares it "protein-aware". It contains 0.7g. It is not aware of anything. It was picked in Spain, flown here and given a personality. It now sits at the bottom of the fruit bowl, quietly wanting to be eaten by a child.

6. A plain digestive

The digestive now contains 4.1g of protein, a figure nobody requested. Dr Helen Marsh, senior lecturer in consumer behaviour at the University of Lincoln, studied eleven shoppers in aisle seven. One was her brother-in-law.

"The average participant held a biscuit for 38 seconds before eating it. Turning it over, reading the back. One woman apologised to it."

The digestive has taken it personally. It has been eaten without ceremony for a hundred years.

7. Protein-enriched tap water

Water had one job and was doing it. It is now sold in a bottle with 6g of whey and the colour of a cloudy lie. It still takes the shape of whatever container it is put in. It does so with visible bitterness.

8. A high-protein birthday card

The card promises "a hearty 12g per fold". Inside, it says "Another year stronger". The recipient is eighty-one and has a hip. Gareth Pindar, head of ambient innovation at a regional supermarket chain, defends the product.

"Customers told us they wanted to know what they were getting. A card has a back. We simply used it."

The card has been asked to be both heartfelt and nutritionally dense. It is managing neither.

9. A lone lettuce

Nobody has added anything to the lettuce. It sits in the chiller, damp and unfortified, watching everything around it receive a sticker. It has checked its own label. Ninety-six per cent water, a trace of something green. This is not kindness. Somebody is planning something. It has noticed the new shelf-edge label that simply reads "COMING SOON".