It is 11.40am and I have had 94g of protein. The yoghurt in my hand has 20g. It is a yoghurt in the way that a tank is a car. I call it steak. My colleagues call it steak too, mostly to make me stop.

I can now hear colours. Tuesday was a low amber. The photocopier is a sort of aggressive teal. I assume this is the muscle talking.

Merely Food

I no longer trust anything that is merely food. An apple has 0.5g of protein. It is a rumour of nutrition. A carrot is a decorative stick. I saw a man eating a jacket potato on the train and I had to move seats.

Supermarkets finally understand me. Protein is now in crisps, cereal, bread, pasta, coffee and puddings. Last week I bought a protein pudding that contained, by my reckoning, more protein than the pudding was legally entitled to. I felt seen.

The NHS, of course, has a view. The NHS says most adults already get enough protein from a normal diet. It says this calmly and repeatedly, like a nurse talking to a man on a ledge.

‘An adult man needs roughly 55g a day. Most people in the UK are already there before lunch. I tell him this every week. He writes it down and asks what the protein content of the sentence was.’ Helen Ashworth, registered dietitian

Fifty-five grams. I have had 55g before I have found my keys.

The Dog Question

I have begun to wonder about Biscuit. Biscuit is my nine-year-old spaniel. He eats twice a day and seems content. That is exactly what worries me. Contentment is what people say before the muscle goes.

I asked the vet whether Biscuit was getting enough grams. She asked me to define ‘grams’ in this context. I could not. She suggested he was a dog.

‘Mr Whitlock brought in a spreadsheet for a spaniel. Biscuit is in excellent condition. He is also, I should say, asleep during most of the appointment, which is how I would describe his lifestyle.’ Dr Priya Nair, veterinary surgeon

Hymn 214

I will admit that I checked the hymn sheet at church. Hymn 214 contains no protein whatsoever. Not a gram. I raised it with the vicar after the service, with a highlighter.

‘He asked for the macros on a hymn. I said it was about grace. He asked if grace was high in anything. I said forgiveness. He seemed disappointed.’ The Reverend Alan Pritchard, vicar of St Michael’s

People say the protein boom is driven by gym culture and social media. They say the weight-loss jabs have made everyone anxious about losing muscle. I say that is a very convenient way of saying I am right.

I will not be told it is a fad. Fads are things like the cabbage soup diet. This is science, and also a bar I keep in my glovebox.

My wife says I should stop. My GP says I am probably fine. The NHS website says I am probably fine. I have now been told I am probably fine by three separate institutions and one spaniel, and I regard this as a conspiracy of the under-protein’d.

I am off to have a shake. It has 40g. It is the colour of a wet Tuesday.

Dawn Fletcher, who has worked on reception at my gym for six years, was asked for comment on my commitment to fitness.

‘He’s in most days. He has the shake, then the yoghurt, then a second shake. He sits by the window. I have never, once, seen him do a press-up.’