Researchers at Imperial College London have concluded a three-month study demonstrating that the British public will purchase and consume virtually any substance if told it optimises their gut microbiome. The findings come after 847 participants willingly paid £42 for bottles of what was essentially fermented dishwater.
The study, published in The Lancet’s newly created Journal of Taking the Piss, found that 89% of participants reported feeling “significantly better” after consuming the product. None of them questioned why it smelled like a wet dog.
“We didn’t even try to make it palatable,” said Dr Emma Richardson, lead researcher and apparently a monster. “We literally left washing-up liquid, tap water and a bit of kombucha starter in a bucket for six weeks. People were queuing up for it. One woman asked if we did a subscription service.”
The product, marketed as “AquaFlora Gut Optimisation Tonic”, featured buzzwords including ‘prebiotic’, ‘postbiotic’, and the entirely made-up term ‘parabiotic’. The label also prominently displayed ’47 BILLION LIVE CULTURES’, a number Dr Richardson described as “completely random” and “probably a underestimate if you count whatever was growing on the side of the bucket.”
Participants were recruited from Whole Foods car parks across North London. The demographic skewed heavily towards people who own NutriBullets, have opinions about seed oils, and believe gluten is a personal attack.
“I’ve completely changed my diet based on my gut health,” said Tom Bradshaw, 34, a management consultant from Clapham who spends £200 monthly on supplements but considers NHS prescriptions too expensive. “I can really feel the difference. My energy levels are amazing.” When pressed, Bradshaw admitted he’d also started going to bed before 2am and stopped drinking nine pints every Friday, but insisted the dishwater was “definitely the main factor.”
The control group, who received actual probiotic supplements from Boots costing £8.99, reported identical improvements in wellbeing. However, they were less likely to bore their friends about it at dinner parties.
Jennifer Walsh, a nutritional therapist with a certificate from an online academy, praised the study’s findings. “This validates what we’ve known for years. The gut is the second brain. Or possibly the first brain. I haven’t really looked into it, but I’ve definitely read the headline of several articles.”
The research team attempted to end the study early on ethical grounds after several participants asked whether the tonic would cure their anxiety, improve their child’s GCSE results, and help them “manifest abundance”. The ethics committee approved continuation on the basis that it was funny.
Imperial College has announced plans for a follow-up study investigating whether Londoners will pay £65 for tap water if you call it “molecularly structured hydration” and sell it in brown glass bottles.
The fermented dishwater remains available online. It has 4.8 stars on Trustpilot.