Major Tim Peake, Britain’s only active astronaut and the sole tangible evidence that the UK Space Agency exists, has confirmed he remains available for future missions. Should anyone wish to send him. No pressure.
Peake, 52, spent 186 days aboard the International Space Station in 2016. He has spent the subsequent eight years doing assemblies in Berkshire.
“I’m match fit,” Peake told reporters at a secondary school in Slough, where he had just delivered his 847th talk about what it’s like to do a wee in space. “I train regularly. I keep my Russian current. I’m on the roster, technically speaking.”
The roster in question consists of Peake’s name, followed by several blank lines.
Britain’s human spaceflight programme operates on what officials describe as an “ad hoc” basis, which is Latin for “we’ll ask the Europeans if they’ve got a spare seat.” The UK contributes roughly £374 million annually to the European Space Agency. In exchange, it receives promotional materials and the occasional conference in Swindon.
“We’re incredibly proud of Tim,” said Jennifer Howarth, deputy director of strategy at the UK Space Agency. “He’s an inspiration to millions. We wheel him out at every opportunity. Just not, you know, the opportunity that involves actually going to space.”
Howarth confirmed the agency’s current priorities include Earth observation satellites, telecommunications infrastructure, and “keeping Tim busy.”
Meanwhile, NASA has announced plans to land the first woman and next man on the Moon by 2026. China is building its own space station. India has just launched its fourth crewed mission. The UK has commissioned a feasibility study into commissioning a study.
“I’m not bitter,” Peake clarified. “It’s just that I’d quite like to go again. I’m trained. I’m qualified. I’m literally right here.”
He gestured to himself, standing in a comprehensive school gymnasium beneath a banner reading “Shoot for the Moon!” The irony appeared lost on the three civil servants accompanying him.
Peake’s 2016 mission cost approximately £20 million, a figure the Treasury describes as “significant” and space enthusiasts describe as “less than a kilometre of HS2.” The mission generated an estimated £200 million in educational engagement and national pride, although the latter remains difficult to quantify.
“The return on investment is clear,” said Dr Marcus Fernsby, aerospace economist at Imperial College London. “But we’re British, so we’d rather spend eight years discussing whether we can afford it than actually doing anything.”
When asked about his backup plan should another mission fail to materialise, Peake remained philosophical.
“I’ve got a talk booked in Preston next month,” he said. “Then two in Norwich. There’s talk of a podcast.”
He paused.
“But I’d drop it all for a flight. Just so we’re clear. I’m extremely available. Someone has my number.”
The UK Space Agency confirmed it does have his number. It’s on a Post-it note somewhere.