Nintendo has confirmed that its upcoming console, dubbed the Switch 2, will feature full backwards compatibility with the overwhelming sense of joy and possibility you experienced when you first played Ocarina of Time at your mate’s house after school.
The announcement comes after months of speculation about whether the new hardware would support previous generation games, as well as that specific feeling of having your entire weekend ahead of you, no bills to pay, and a metabolism that allowed you to eat an entire tube of Pringles without consequence.
“We’ve listened to what gamers want,” said Tom Richardson, Nintendo’s European marketing director. “They want 4K graphics, improved processing power, and the ability to experience a video game without immediately calculating whether the £59.99 price tag represents good value for money based on anticipated hours of entertainment versus their current hourly wage.”
The console will reportedly ship with a specialised Memory Pak that stores every Saturday morning you woke up at 6am purely because you were excited, not because of crippling anxiety about work emails. Early adopters will also receive a limited edition carrying case embedded with the sensation of having nothing to do on a summer holiday except see how many times you could complete Mario 64.
However, some features from the original experience will not be supported. The new console cannot emulate your mum calling you for dinner three times while you insist you can’t save yet, nor can it recreate the specific social dynamic of four people crowding around a tiny CRT television for GoldenEye, three of whom definitely looked at the other players’ sections of the split screen.
“I’ve been a Nintendo fan since childhood, and I’m cautiously optimistic,” said Emma Clarke, a 34-year-old project manager who owns 47 games for her current Switch and has completed two of them. “I just hope it can run that one bit in Banjo-Kazooie where everything felt possible and you hadn’t yet learned what a mortgage was.”
The company has also confirmed that the new console will not be compatible with the crushing disappointment you felt when you finally played Superman 64, which you’d asked for despite your parents’ warnings because the box looked cool. Some experiences, Nintendo admits, are best left in the past.
Technical specifications remain vague, though leaked documents suggest the console will feature a dedicated chip for rendering that indescribable feeling when you first worked out you could make Mario do a triple jump. The device will also include haptic feedback designed to simulate the physical sensation of having knees that didn’t hurt when you sat cross-legged on the floor for six hours straight.
Pre-orders open next month, with stock expected to sell out immediately to people who definitely don’t have time to play it but remain convinced that this will be the game that finally makes them feel something again.