In an extraordinary feat of endurance, patience, and a questionable sense of direction, the world’s most protracted marathon has finally concluded as the last participant triumphantly crossed the finish line a staggering five years after the starting gun was fired. The annual “Snail’s Pace Marathon”, a whimsical event designed for the athletically impaired, amateur nappers, and advanced procrastinators, is known for testing the extremes of human tenacity and the quality of participants’ footwear.
The marathon, held in the sleepy town of Plodville, commenced half a decade ago with more than a thousand eager participants lining up at the start. The runners, clad in full survival gear complete with portable showers and solar-powered kitchens, were sent off with both a shotgun blast and a heartfelt “Good luck!”.
Fast forward five years, and “marathon” planet had almost entirely forgotten about Plodville’s peculiar experiment in endurance. That is until a solitary figure emerged on the horizon, greeted by a crowd of forgetful locals who had all but given up hope of anyone actually completing the race.
The final runner, 68-year-old Bertram Bivouac, shuffled across the finish line with the speed of a caffeinated tortoise. As he approached the end of his arduously slow journey, Bertram confessed his secret to success, revealing that inspired detours to various sight-seeing spots—including the discovery of a new species of moss and the development of his best-selling memoir, “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Take a Nap”—helped make the journey worthwhile.
Race organizers, looking visibly aged since the start of the event, were both thrilled and relieved. “When we planned this marathon, we never intended for anyone to take the ‘slow’ part quite so literally,” reported Gladys Treadwell, the event coordinator. “We’ve been recycling confetti for so long, it’s practically an endangered material around here!”
Bertram’s well-wishers included his supportive family, his skeptical podiatrist, and a mixed chorus of sporting enthusiasts who, five years ago, critiqued his choice of carrying a portable espresso maker. Bertram simply smiled, thanked his fans, and attributed his victory to “a steady supply of coffee and copious amounts of sensible footwear.”
The event ended on a high note with a parade, complete with confetti, which took slightly less time than the marathon itself—clocking in at just under three years. The Snail’s Pace Marathon has been slated for its next start ten years from now to allow for proper rehabilitation of the route and ensure that all participants can make it back to their starting positions.
Bertram Bivouac is reportedly considering returning for another attempt, albeit promising to reduce his finishing time by a solid two years. Local conspiracy theorists have suggested that Bertram’s leisurely pace may have been inspired by certain sloths he met along his journey, but Bertram merely chuckles, “At least I can say I’ve seen the world… twice!”.
For the rest of us, perhaps Bertram’s journey is a gentle reminder: life’s not about the destination, or even the time it takes to get there—the true reward is found somewhere between footwear and a good thermal mug.