In an unprecedented spectacle of endurance and leisurely determination, the world’s slowest marathon has finally come to an end after a staggering two-year duration. The event, a unique blend of athletic prowess and patience, drew to a close yesterday with cheers, mild applause, and several exasperated sighs of relief. The winner, 58-year-old Dave Plodsworth, cruised across the finish line stating, somewhat unnecessarily, “Wasn’t even out of breath.”
The marathon began two years ago in the quaint village of Turtlington-on-Stroll, where competitors set off at what can only be described as a pace marginally quicker than the average garden snail. It was intended as a tongue-in-cheek event to raise funds for the Global Snail Conservation Trust, but nobody anticipated the level of commitment—or lack thereof—that would ensue.
Participants faced an array of unexpected challenges over the course of this extended endurance test. They navigated vicious obstacles like overgrown hedges, unpredictable weather conditions, and even an angry goose named Gerald, famed for his territorial disputes with anything that moved slower than a power-walker. It wasn’t just the wildlife that had competitors worried; unexpected roadworks, a flower festival, and a rogue ice cream truck gang provided constant entertainment and minor delays.
What started as a jog quickly turned into a shuffle, with competitors inventing new styles like the “afternoon amble” and the popular “coffee break crawl.” There were even rumors of mid-race picnics, complete with plaid blankets and wicker baskets, set up along the route.
Unlike most marathons, this event had regular rest days (and weeks), allowing participants to catch up on their favorite soap operas, adopt new hobbies, and in one case, enroll in a pottery class. Four participants even tied the knot at an impromptu wedding ceremony mid-course, justified by the fact that it was unlikely anyone would reach the finish line soon enough to protest.
Local businesses took advantage of the marathon’s commercial opportunities, setting up pop-up stalls that sold everything from knitted socks to motivational pamphlets titled “Slow and Steady: Embrace Your Inner Tortoise.” Despite the prolonged race duration, community spirit thrived, with many locals providing hospitality, including hot tea, scones, and psychological evaluations.
Televised coverage was, unsurprisingly, a challenge, with viewership described as “enthusiastically intermittent.” One viewer commented, “I can’t believe I’m still watching this, but I just have to find out if Old Man Jenkins managed to finish his sweater before they crossed the line.”
When the race finally concluded, winner Dave Plodsworth nonchalantly sauntered through the ribbon, pausing to tie his shoe and help a tortoise cross the road. His victory speech was succinct: “Turns out, I left my phone charger at home, so I figured I better hurry up and finish.”
Of the 500 entrants, only four actually crossed the finish line. The rest are assumed to have wandered off, trickled away, or merely started new lives along the way. The next edition of the marathon is rumored to be scheduled for 2030, with talks of a potential “stroll-off” with gardeners from Europe. Until then, enthusiasts can relive the excitement—or lack thereof—on the official Snail Marathon app, which has taken the world by storm, just like Dave did eventually.
Turtlington-on-Stroll is expected to gain new fame for its phenomenal marathon, a legend in slow motion, as it prepares for the massive influx of tourists, or sleepwalkers, hoping to experience the phenomenon firsthand.