In a groundbreaking move that’s left sports fans scratching their heads and statisticians recalibrating their algorithms, FIFA has announced that the next World Cup Final will be decided not by the traditional nail-biting 90 minutes followed by an infinite loop of extra time and penalties, but rather through a best-of-three rock-paper-scissors showdown.
“We’re just really tired,” confessed FIFA spokesperson Alex Boulder, in a press conference that took place alarmingly close to a coffee machine. “Ever since we had that World Cup in Qatar and nobody could find a parking spot for the vuvuzelas, we’ve been looking for ways to streamline things. This new approach should save everyone’s nerves, especially ours.”
Critics initially balked at the decision, arguing it undermines the athletic rigor and years of sweat poured into the tournament. However, Boulder was quick to reassure them. “Listen, if rock-paper-scissors is good enough to decide who gets the last slice of pizza at the office party, it’s good enough to decide who lifts the World Cup.”
The new decision-making process will take place at midfield, directly after the national anthems and an underwhelming performance by a pop star whose biggest hit was more than a decade ago. Each team will select a Champion of the Hand from their roster, generally the player who’s best at second-guessing human behavior, and the contest will proceed as follows: rock smashes scissors, scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, and a thousand dreams are instantly made or crushed.
Fans are enthusiastically attempting to adapt to this seismic shift. Roger Peatestock, a longtime enthusiast, shared his thoughts with a sigh of relief, “Finally, I won’t have to pretend I know what ‘offside’ means. I’ve been winging it for years.”
In anticipation of the radically different finale, commentators around the globe are frantically rehearsing alternative catchphrases. Expectations are high that we’ll soon be hearing iconic calls like “And it’s a perfect scissor cut! Shear genius!” or “He went paper but got absolutely… folded!”
Merchandising departments have pivoted sharply to capitalize on the new trend; inflatable rocks, plastic shears, and collectible limited-edition paper sheets are all predicted to be the must-have stadium accessories. Meanwhile, conspiracy theories have begun circulating dark corners of the internet, with some murmuring that renowned players have been seen ghostwriting self-help books on the psychology of rock-paper-scissors.
While traditionalists may lament the move, citing the glorious unpredictability of soccer, future-doomsayers welcome this stunt as a clear indicator of the impending takeover of AI machines that are trained solely to win at simple hand games.
For now, all eyes are set on the landmark event, with millions set to watch from around the globe. Given the uproar over this shift, everyone’s wondering if the World Cup’s next chapter will be a casual affair or tense with silent fist maneuvers. One thing’s for certain: it’s anyone’s game, provided they know how to handle wrist movements with precision.