In an utterly unprecedented and utterly confounding turn of events, the annual Galapagos Marathon has a new champion, and it’s left seasoned runners and spectators alike shell-shocked. Oh yes, folks, this year’s winner is not a Kenyan athlete, an Olympic hopeful, or even a particularly speedy human, but rather a small, unassuming garden snail named Gary.
Eyewitnesses were initially skeptical when Gary registered for the marathon. Many assumed it was a gimmick, a lighthearted entry to raise awareness for his fellow gastropods’ frequent plights with garden hoses and salt shakers. But as it turns out, Gary had a secret weapon up his gooey sleeve—or would have, if snails had sleeves.
Early reports confirm that somewhere around kilometer two, Gary approached a particularly shiny and suspiciously glowy puddle. Little did onlookers or competitors know, this puddle was actually a wormhole, a shortcut through the 42-kilometer course that cunning Gary used to his advantage. Spectator and self-proclaimed “Snailologist,” Margot Slugg, claims to have witnessed a faint shimmer and a flash of bioluminescent green as Gary simply vanished from one side of the racecourse and reappeared near the finish line.
Race official Damian Treadwell, utterly baffled, stated, “We’ve checked the course numerous times, but we didn’t account for inter-dimensional shortcuts. We were worried about potholes and local wildlife, not alternate realities. This has really opened up a whole new can of worms… or snails, as it were.”
In a post-race interview, which took considerably longer than expected given the speed of Gary’s Morse-code body language, the slippery victor reportedly stated his travel through the dimension was surreal. “Imagine being in a world where salt is your friend, foliage is your food, and halted traffic is merely a fleeting concept,” Gary tapped slowly, emphasizing his challenge with trans-dimensional jetlag.
The runner-up, a human marathoner who wished to remain anonymous, merely grumbled, “Last time I check my Garmin, I guess…”
The incident has sparked heated debates among marathon governing bodies about the rules of inter-dimensionality in races. While traditionalists argue that the line should be drawn at physics-bending, others say this opens up new and exciting possibilities for runners and sentient slime alike.
In the meantime, Gary has become an overnight sensation. Plans are already underway for a feature-length documentary titled, “Snail on the Trail: When Time and Space Melt,” while fans have created a petition for Gary’s inclusion in next year’s Olympics. On top of that, garden snail merchandise is flying off the wet shelves—from shell-sized jerseys to limited edition Gary bobble-heads.
Critics, however, aren’t entirely convinced. A few conspiracy theorists hypothesize that Gary may have had help from a “speedster ant” friend, or could have been a decoy for a secret government test. Gary’s refusal to comment on the allegations only seems to fuel the speculation.
As for Gary, for the moment, he retires to his modest terracotta home, basking in his gooey glory, pondering his next adventure, and perhaps, just perhaps, dreaming of a day when his next race won’t involve bending the laws of physics.
But for now, the world watches with bated breath, wondering if other ambitious snails may stumble upon the same inter-dimensional option in time for the next race—or if Gary’s slippery adventure will remain the stuff of legend in the annals of marathon history.