In an unprecedented turn of events, the annual Run-a-Mile-in-Our-Shoes Marathon in Little Whimsy was won not by a human competitor, but by a park bench. Locals are calling it the greatest sporting upset in history—mostly because they can’t recall any other notable sporting events in Little Whimsy.
The race began in classic fashion on Sunday morning, with 150 eager participants gathered at the starting line. The weather was perfect: skies were clear, birds were chirping, and the aroma of freshly baked pastries from Mrs. Crumble’s Café tickled the air. It’s safe to say, however, that the latter turned out to be quite the distraction.
Minutes into the marathon, runners were met with an enticing scent coming from a newly installed billboard right on the racecourse. “Free Coffee and Croissants for Runners,” it read in bold, irresistible letters. Little Whimsy is not known for an overly competitive spirit, so it only took a few sideways glances and an unheard chorus of agreement before most of the competitors veered off the path to indulge in flaky buttery goodness.
As runners swarmed the café, a quiet, unassuming park bench named “Clarence”—so named after the town’s late mayor who had an unwavering fondness for sitting—remained steadfast on the course. Many recall that the bench had been placed alongside the race route earlier that week due to ongoing park renovations. Despite this, or perhaps due to a shared desire among park-goers for more comfortable resting spots, Clarence was left unwittingly aligned with the perfect trajectory for the finish line.
While competitors enjoyed a mid-marathon snack, Clarence sat in stoic patience, undistracted by promises of caffeine and carbohydrates. Onlookers, struck by the scene of athletic inconsistency, began to gather, their cheers urging the stationary contender towards victory.
An hour later, amid applause and the flash of cameras, Clarence was declared the winner when the last crumb-covered runner finally returned to the start only to realize the event had ended. The cheering crowd celebrated Clarence’s unexpected victory, and the bench was promptly awarded a golden plaque reading “Hero of Endurance,” an honor previously reserved for Little Whimsy’s champion in the Annual Lawn-Mower Drag Race.
When asked for a comment on the day’s events, Clarence was unresponsive—understandably, given its wooden demeanor. However, members of the Little Whimsy Town Council were quick to offer their praise.
“We’ve always known our park benches to be remarkable, with a robustness that this day has brought truly to light,” said Councilor Betty Peters, who, with a mischievous glint, advocated to have Clarence entered into next year’s triathlon.
With runners nursing their pride (and full stomachs), the town now faces a potential new challenge: determining how best to harness Clarence’s newfound fame. Skeptics suggest investing in a more clearly defined race route for next year, while others entertain the exciting idea of a competitive furniture league.
Regardless of what the future holds, one lesson remains undeniably clear: in Little Whimsy, even a park bench can teach us a thing or two about perseverance, focus, and how not to be led astray by the delightful allure of baked goods and beverages.