In a world where everything from movies to meal kits can be delivered straight to your door for a small monthly fee, one ambitious tech startup has decided to elevate subscription services to a new level—literally. AirShare, a Silicon Valley-based company, has announced that it will be providing air as a subscription service, allowing customers to breathe easier for just $19.99 a month.
Dubbed “Netflix for Nostrils,” AirShare promises to revolutionize the way we think about oxygen, exploiting the fact that free things obviously aren’t as valuable as things with a carefully designed app, a futuristic logo, and a catchy slogan suggesting exclusivity. AirShare’s CEO, Jet Bampton (formerly known as Jeff Bronson before legally changing his name for “aerodynamic purposes”), believes the sky is no longer the limit. In fact, Jet sees it as merely another revenue stream.
“We wanted to fill a void in the market,” Jet announced at a press conference while wearing aviator sunglasses inside, clearly unaware that the void he talks about is an actual vacuum created by, well, the absence of air. He elaborated, with a straight face that only a true visionary could manage, “For too long, people have taken breathing for granted. Our service invites consumers to experience each breath as a premium one.”
Subscribers will initially be provided with the “Basic Breeze” package which includes ambient air conveniently pre-packaged in trendy, recyclable canisters. For an extra $10 a month, customers can upgrade to the “Arctic Air” package, which includes the essence of glacial winds with top notes of vague sustainability and middle notes of unchecked hubris.
For the more discerning lung, AirShare will also offer the “Zen Zephyr” plan, which infuses your air with various essential oils to create a calming ambiance, great for meditation, yoga, or simply trying to justify the fact that you’re paying for something you can currently get by opening your mouth.
Critics have naturally emerged, blowing hot air on forums across the internet. They raise trivial issues like legality and environmental sustainability, as well as the absurdity of monetizing what already exists around us in infinite supply. However, Jet is unfazed by the naysayers. “We’re living in an age of innovation,” he claims, barely audible among the industrial-sized fans airlifting fresh breezes into the conference hall for the event. “Would you pay for water bottles when there’s tap water? Exactly.”
Whether AirShare inflates the startup bubble or just causes people to hyperventilate from laughter, one thing is clear: Jet Bampton has taken a leap of faith, made of ingenuity, optimism, and perhaps a little too much time spent near carbon monoxide scrubbing machines.
Meanwhile, AirShare’s investor brochure tantalizingly hints at future offerings, such as “Bespoke Breezes” and “Celebrity Scents,” where for a mere $40 a month, you might inhale air once breathed by someone famous enough to kind of remember from a ’90s sitcom.
For now, though, Jet and his team take it one breath at a time, reminding us all that in the world of tech startups, no idea is too outlandish to float—or hopefully not fall flat.