Tech giant unveils Do-It-For-Me button — millions immediately forget how to use computers
In a launch without the usual caveats or user manuals, global tech colossus PanOptix today introduced a new physical and on-screen feature that promises to perform “any digital task, instantly” with a single, glowing press. The Do-It-For-Me (DIFM) button arrived to fanfare, influencer unboxings and an inexplicable number of people livestreaming themselves touching it for the first time.
“I’m happy to announce we’ve finally solved the problem of people having to do things themselves,” said PanOptix CEO Mara Ledger from a stage shaped like a giant mouse. “With DIFM, users can delegate everything from answering an email to filing their tax return, and we will definitely not be doing any thinking for them.”
The product, available as a hardware button, a desktop widget and a metronomic pulsing bar at the top of PanOptix’s operating system, proved remarkably effective within minutes. Early adopters report that tasks were indeed completed — but many users also discovered, to their surprise, that they could no longer remember how to open an app, save a document or even boot up their own device.
“It fixed my printer jam, sorted my inbox and brewed me a perfectly timed reminder to call my mum,” enthused West Midlands retiree June Cartwright, who had never previously linked her phone to her tablet. “But then I tried to show my neighbour how to send a photo and my hands went blank. I keep thinking there’s an icon called ‘stuff’ and I can’t find it.”
Helplines and head-scratching
Within forty-seven minutes of launch PanOptix’s customer support line was besieged by a fresh category of ticket: “I have a computer and I cannot remember how to computer.” According to an internal slide leaked by a former UX designer, the company had expected a “soft cognitive offload” but not the mass “procedural amnesia” that ensued.
IT departments, once bastions of arcane knowledge, were left with a new job title: Memory Restoration Liaison. Universities reported a sudden uptick in enrolment for “Basic Digital Literacy (Remembering 101)” while job adverts sought “people who can remember how to open Word”, paying salaries equivalent to junior roles in sustainable pasta engineering.
An NHS-style campaign quickly launched encouraging citizens to “Relearn Before You Unplug”, with posters depicting a man staring sadly at a floppy disk while a friendly button floats in the distance. Rival tech firms scrambled to release tutorials titled “How To Use A Computer (If You Absolutely Must)”, which sold briskly to homes where the DIFM button had seen heavy use.
Economy of convenience
PanOptix’s marketing leaves no shortage of monetisation: the first three presses of the DIFM button are free, after which users are prompted to subscribe to Mini, Plus or Premium “hands-off tiers”. Each press consumes a digital currency called ManoTokens, which can be earned by watching twenty-second ads or subscribing to a monthly plan.
Financial analysts noted the upside: coffee sales increased as people queued outside “Memory Cafés” where experienced users would be paid to press buttons for others and narrate what was happening. A grey market emerged overnight for “how-to” cheat sheets — scrawled notes reminding people where their Start Menu used to be — fetching eye-watering sums on auction sites.
Government and industry response
Parliament was swift to act. A cross-party committee convened an emergency session to consider whether the DIFM button constituted a public service. “We cannot have a situation where millions are unable to, say, check their bank balance or Google whether ‘cabinet’ is pronounced with a ‘t’ or not,” said the Minister for Digital Stuff, who was later seen unsuccessfully trying to log into his own account and then asking a nearby intern to do it for him.
The Department for Education announced mandatory “Remembering How To Click” lessons in primary schools starting next term. Opposition members questioned whether the plan would put an unfair burden on grandparents, noting that many were both especially fond of the button and particularly unfamiliar with the inner workings of streaming services.
Unexpected side effects
Not all consequences were negative. Cybercriminals reported being “mystified” for hours when targeted victims couldn’t remember how to open a link; banks, conversely, were worried that customers would press the button to “pay bills” and then forget the payment had been authorised.
Home life grew peculiar. Families reported children pressing DIFM to complete homework, then being unable to recall any of the answers during exams. One father described the surreal sight of his partner tapping the kitchen’s wall-mounted button to “order tonight’s dinner” and then wandering the house for twenty minutes trying to remember whether she had an app for that.
PanOptix insists safeguards are in place: an optional “Reminder Mode” flashes a small tooltip explaining what the DIFM did, ideally helping users retain knowledge. However, early testers say the tooltip is almost always replaced mid-glance by a notification offering a discounted subscription to “Remembering Tips: Pro”.
Sociologists call it a classic case of learned helplessness accelerated by convenience. “Human memory is surprisingly lazy,” said Dr. Lenora Kettle, a professor of Modern Inertia. “When a button will do something, we stop storing the steps. It’s not that people are dumber — it’s that evolution finally caved to user experience.”
The future of doing things
PanOptix insists the DIFM button is the future and has partnered with a range of domestic manufacturers to bring physical DIFM buttons to homes — on fridges, kettles and even toothbrushes. Their pitch: live more, do less. Critics warn that at some point the world may wake up and discover it has outsourced not just chores but competence.
In the meantime, a small but vocal movement of “Manualists” has formed, meeting in parks to practise skills like attaching a printer cable and opening email attachments. Their slogan: “If you can’t Ctrl+V, you can’t live free.”
At launch party after-party, PanOptix staff were asked whether they themselves still remember how to reinstall an operating system manually. “Of course,” said the lead engineer, tapping the DIFM button to summon a virtual assistant to explain it, and then swapping his notes to the cloud for safekeeping. His phone promptly requested a password he couldn’t recall. He pressed the button. The assistant politely reset his memory for a fee.