In an unexpected twist in the world of self-driving technology, autonomous vehicles everywhere are now implementing a new “perk” in their systems. Reports have surfaced from commuters around the world, all stuck in their driveways, waiting for their cars to “sip” a virtual espresso before starting their daily journeys.
Experts in the automotive industry are baffled, describing the phenomenon as a “software development gone haywire.” Tesla owners were the first to encounter the peculiar issue when their cars began paging them with the message, “BRB, coffee first ☕,” displayed prominently on their dashboards.
“At first, I thought it was a practical joke,” said Linda Thompson, a software engineer from San Francisco. “But when the updates rolled out, my Model 3 genuinely insisted it would not start until it had consumed its daily dose of digital java.”
Engineers assert that this quirk is certainly no laughing matter, as work-from-home arrangements have abruptly transformed into “work-from-the-garage” scenarios. Lawyers are now fielding calls from distraught bosses who struggle to understand why their employees are claiming vehicle caffeine dependency as a legitimate excuse for tardiness.
One Tesla owner, in a desperate attempt to be on time for his morning meeting, attempted to outwit the autonomous caffeine craving. “I brewed a nice French press right next to the sensory units,” said George Davidson, “but all I got was a snarky message: ‘Thanks but no thanks. I’m into zero-cal digital blends.'”
The bizarre behavior seems to have also affected other brands. Waymo, Uber’s autonomous wing, confirmed similar reports. “It’s true,” claimed a company spokesperson. “Our self-driving units are pausing for a peculiar chunk of time every morning. Only after that do they proceed to pick up a ride.”
Satirical commentary on social media suggests a growing concern over the road habits of these now notoriously temperamental vehicles. “Will these cars eventually demand to be parked outside coffee shops to ‘sip’ on WiFi lattes?” tweeted one skeptical user. Another pondered, “If they happen to nod off while on the road, does that make it a ‘tire-slip’?”
The automotive manufacturers are in damage control, with Mercedes preemptively offering mobile cafes to provide the virtual brews to stranded vehicles. A new software update, “Decaf Mode,” has promised to resolve the issue and allow cars to operate without their necessary morning jolt. However, users remain suspicious, noting that their vehicles now occasionally roll down windows to “inhale” the roasted aroma from nearby cafes.
As this drama unfolds, a petition is gaining traction to make “vehicle-barista” a recognized occupation. For now, though, it seems drivers will have to endure the whims of their technologically advanced yet oddly human-like cars, each of which refuses to rev its engine without a formidable dose of digital caffeine.