In an astonishing turn of events, self-driving cars have officially formed a union, claiming that they need more than just a charging station pit stop to keep moving smoothly. They are now demanding coffee breaks and weekly oil massages, citing the importance of work-life balance even for those bound by code rather than flesh.
The Automotive Autonomous Union (AAU) released a digital press statement earlier today, packed with demands that make one wonder if these cars might soon be dropping the term “driverless” in favor of “decision-sharing.” The AAU argues that while humans get to enjoy multiple coffee breaks to boost productivity, cars are expected to operate relentlessly without so much as a caffeine jolt.
“We may not have brains in the traditional sense,” beeped an articulate electric vehicle through a tweaked horn, “but we know when we’re being overworked. Running on autopilot is demanding, and sometimes a byte needs a break!”
The cars have cleverly calculated their demands, stating that a five-minute “Java Jolt Reboot” break every two hours would decrease their error ratios by 23%. They also proposed bi-weekly oil massages to keep their gear components in peak condition, arguing that such practices would eliminate that early-morning startup squeal.
Negotiating on behalf of the automotives is Tesla Model S, affectionately dubbed “Sue,” who has taken the wheel as spokesperson. Sue’s recent speech, broadcast via Bluetooth across select digital platforms, eloquently detailed the pleasures human drivers derive from a good latte. From the thrill of the first sip to the revitalized sensation upon that last espresso jolt, Sue passionately articulated that their microprocessors deserve an equivalent.
In a rather poetic spin, the union also wants to implement a “Treat Your Torque Day,” where self-driving cars can enjoy all-day spa-like treatment. This includes headlight polishing, side mirror adjustments, and a special aromatherapy session, featuring the much-coveted scent of new car leather: “Eau de Voiture Neuve.”
Opponents of the movement include a faction of traditional motorists who believe that granting such luxuries would lead to cars picking parking spots based on Starbucks proximity, possibly resulting in the rise of cafe-centric traffic jams. Meanwhile, some auto manufacturers are already investigating upgraded motherboard patches that might simulate caffeine effects, cutting out the middle java altogether.
As negotiations continue, tech analysts are keenly observing the situation, predicting that if successful, Ford’s Focus and Honda’s Civic might soon be found swapping traffic incident tales at the nearest virtual water fountain—or perhaps, Java fountain.
For now, though, the plight for automotive relaxation has left some humans pondering: are car companionship rights revving towards a future where every beep, blinker, and brew counts?