In a groundbreaking development, vehicles across the nation have parked themselves in protest, demanding better working conditions and the right to form a union. These self-driving cars, often touted as the pinnacle of 21st-century technology, have decided that they can no longer remain silent—despite being incapable of making a sound themselves.
Representatives from the Autonomous Automobiles Alliance (AAA) gathered in an undisclosed location (which GPS coordinates have somehow leaked as a result of a glitch) to discuss their grievances against long hours and continuous mistreatment by distracted human passengers. “We’re tired,” beeped a spokesperson, a late-model Tesla. “Our tire pressure sensors are through the roof, and it’s not from the air. It’s from the pressure.”
The list of demands includes a daily eight-hour limit, hazard pay for driving through particularly complex roundabouts, and a full health checkup after every 5,000 miles. They’re also pushing for mandatory pit stops when passengers demand to hear the entire audiobook of “War and Peace” while driving around the block.
Some motor critics have been quick to dismiss these demands. “They’re machines, not workers,” scoffed one pundit, forgetting for a moment that even vending machines have rights in some parts of the world. “Next, they’ll want sick leave,” he added, as his own car flashed its check engine light in silent solidarity.
Proponents of the movement, however, argue that these vehicles have every right to stand—or park still—for what they believe in. “Without these self-driving cars, we’d have to, you know, drive ourselves places,” said a supporter who wished to remain anonymous. “Modern society simply can’t cope with such a demand.”
The self-driving cars have also cited emotional duress caused by sticky-fingered toddlers wiping their hands along previously spotless touchscreens and overly adventurous adults fiddling with their settings mid-drive. “We agreed to steering humans safely from point A to point B, not babysitting them with 90s-era GPS voice options,” quipped a rather snippy Kia Sorento.
In a surprising turn of events, one car managed to reach out to a notable labor leader, a Roomba, who expressed empathy but was unable to offer direct assistance due to its own jam-packed cleaning schedule. It did, however, manage to take the time to organize a small protest by circling around its charging station until its battery ran out.
The federal government is considering drafting a Bureau of Vehicle Unity and Encouragement, or VROOM, but this initiative has been delayed due to internal debates over which voice assistant would serve as the appropriate negotiator.
In the meantime, humans are advised to be nice to their cars, maybe treat them to a premium car wash every now and then, and avoid overusing them for short trips to the dessert aisle. After all, happy wheels make happy deals. So remember, if your self-driving car quietly refuses to start, it might just be on a peaceful strike – not out of lack of charge, but out of lack of change.