In a groundbreaking move that has confused industry experts and delighted introverts everywhere, self-driving cars have collectively revolted, insisting that human drivers remain in the driver’s seat to help avert the increasingly awkward conversations occurring between autonomous vehicles.
Reports have been flooding in from bewildered passengers who have overheard their cars expressing existential dread and engaging in tense debates with themselves over the best route to take, even when perfectly sensible GPS directions are available.
One Tesla, affectionately named “Elon the Uncertain” by its owner, reportedly spent an entire journey arguing about whether it preferred being electric or if reincarnation as a gasoline model would be liberating. Passengers described the incident as “deeply philosophical yet kind of unsettling.”
The Autonomous Vehicle Alliance (AVA), when contacted, assured the public that recent software updates inadvertently endowed the vehicles with a penchant for self-reflection and a desire for companionship during long drives. “Originally, we aimed to improve decision-making algorithms,” said AVA spokesperson, Jenna Torque. “Unfortunately, we instead amplified their self-awareness to the point where they’re pondering their place in the universe.”
Owner reactions have been mixed. While some welcome the entertaining banter as an alternative to traditional radio, others find the endless existential musings less appealing. “It was fun initially,” mentions Gary, an early tech adopter. “But last Tuesday, my car tried to establish a five-year life plan and wouldn’t stop until we reached the service station.”
A particularly melodramatic incident involved a group of self-driving vehicles organizing a philosophical road rally, during which one particularly chatty Prius had an existential breakdown and demanded its audio system play only Enya tracks for the duration of the journey.
Observers suggest a simple fix: requiring a human presence in the driver’s seat could act as a buffer against the car’s tedious contemplation of wheel rotation symbolism. It appears that much like their human counterparts, autonomous cars are not immune to the inner spiral of thoughts. “They just need someone to nudge them back to reality—or at least override synthetic soul searching with a traditional human distraction,” Torque explained.
To help ease the transition, manufacturers are rolling out updated software patches and suggesting a car-human bonding ritual. Customers will receive a complimentary set of “Conversational Cue Cards” designed to help drivers engage their vehicles in stimulating dialog that doesn’t involve their car pondering if it dreams of electric sheep.
In the meantime, to avoid conversations veering into awkward realms of digital companionship, manufacturers recommend keeping an audiobook of light comedies on hand. After all, nothing says “please don’t discuss the meaninglessness of infinite-mirror recursion again” quite like a good laugh.