In a surprising turn of aquatic events that has left climate scientists flabbergasted and marine life smug, an underwater greenhouse has been discovered just off the coast of Atlantis Island, a place skeptics claimed didn’t exist until last Tuesday. The greenhouse, which features solar-powered grow lights and a fully functioning irrigation system powered by electric eels, is thought to be an elaborate endeavor masterminded by dolphins—our long-assumed intelligent companions of the sea.
Initiating the grand revelation was Dr. Sandy Shoreline, an oceanographer with a penchant for marine mysteries. Her team stumbled upon the lush underwater vegetation while attempting to untangle themselves from an unfortunate incident involving a highly territorial jellyfish and what turned out to be an illegal octopus rave.
Dr. Shoreline described the find as “absolutely extraordinary, if somewhat salty.” The greenhouse features an impressive array of seafaring flora: kelp that rivals your nan’s best cucumber plants, seahorse salad mix, and a special ‘seaweed and feed’ section for budding aquatic botanists. Of particular interest is the “Reef Radishes,” known for their unique ability to clean the surrounding ocean—(red)face the Giant Pacific Garbage Patch.
It appears that dolphins have been managing this aquatic Eden for decades, leaving their playful squeaks and cunning clicks aside to tend to the underwater Eden with utmost care. When asked how they managed to cultivate such a biodiversity buffet, the dolphins simply clicked and eek-ed their way through what appeared to be a PowerPoint presentation, complete with underwater pointer sticks made from vintage coral.
However, while many scientists are applauding the dolphins for their horticultural prowess, others are questioning the implications of such a revelation. Traditionally, dolphins have been allies to humans, joining in choreographed routines in aquariums and helping hapless sailors with directions. But could it be that their real intent was to forestall climate change, consequently inconveniencing our niche ice cream economy and the “all-temperature fleece jacket” industry forever?
Professor Gill Barnacle, an outspoken critic of dolphin-led agriculture, suggests that “dolphins have a secret agenda. Their green-thumbed escapades are reversing global warming trends, which might sound nice until you realize we’ll all need to cancel our tropical vacations. Insidious!”
In contrast, Dr. Shoreline believes we should appoint the dolphins honorary UN Climate Ambassadors, although it’s unclear if they would require visas or merely an endless supply of fishy treats for their ambassadorship efforts.
Still, the dolphin community remains modest, boasting nothing more than their chirpy smiles and an unreleased line of “Kelp Couture” fashion wear, aimed at flourishing sea stars with a penchant for aquatic haute couture. It seems these altruistic cetaceans have no intention of giving up their day job flipping fins at sardines in coordinated sync.
While debates rage on in the human world regarding their weather-warming or water-cooling prowess, the dolphins look on, minds and fins at ease, as they fertilize the oceanic future one algae-laden greenhouse at a time, leaving us to wonder: What other deep-sea secrets should we be prepared for on our next snorkeling holiday? Only the dolphins know, and they’re not tipping their fins just yet.