In a groundbreaking discovery that is sure to redefine the health food industry, scientists at the prestigious Institute of Nutritional Novelty have unveiled their latest creation: kale dust. Unlike your regular kale, this version promises the tantalizing prospect of eternal youth, though not without a slight catch—it tastes inexplicably like regret.
To produce this miraculous superfood, researchers subjected kale to a highly sophisticated process involving dehydration, pulverization, and a dash of magical thinking. The result is an ultrafine powder said to contain even more antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals per milligram than a 700-pound gorilla on a diet of nothing but blueberries and optimism.
Dr. Morty Greenspoon, head of the Institute and lead researcher on the kale dust project, would like to assure the public that their development was purely scientific. “We weren’t trying to cash in on the kale craze,” he noted. “We simply asked ourselves, ‘How can we convince people to eat a nutrient that actually fights back?'”
The potential benefits of kale dust are as unprecedented as they are exaggerated. Early adopters claim everything from erasing wrinkles to surprising taxi drivers with their youthful vigor during discussions about how much taxi rides have changed since the War of Jenkins’ Ear. One user reportedly attended a high school reunion only to be asked if they were the new gym teacher.
However, much like its forebears, beet juice with a side of sriracha and the Coconut Water of Lower Middle Earth, kale dust has its peculiarities. “Imagine eating something so healthy, yet the taste immediately reminds you of every life choice you’ve ever regretted,” explained Dr. Melinda Frownberg, co-author and flavor analyst on the team. “It’s what we technically call a ‘flavor of lamentation.'”
To counteract the aftertaste, the team suggests pairing the dust with various culinary concoctions like triple-chocolate cake, industrial-strength mouthwash, or forgetting you ever ate it in the first place. In the event of an unfortunate kale dust smoothie, Dr. Greenspoon offers comforting advice: “Simply make peace with all your personal failures, and the taste will seem entirely apt.”
Health food enthusiasts are already investing heavily in the trend, brandishing kale dust like Tinkerbell’s lost fairy dust at festivals and salad bars nationwide. Meanwhile, skeptics urge caution. One critic who wished to remain anonymous quipped, “If you’re tasting regret, maybe it’s because you spent $59.99 on a tiny shaker of dust when you could’ve just bought a gym membership and a journal.”
Nevertheless, the kale dust phenomenon is sweeping the nation, effortlessly sliding into the spaces occupied by former trends now long forgotten, like charcoal-infused everything and the infamous protein-infused hair gel (thanks for that, 2019). So, as kale dust sprinkles its way into global pantries, humanity edges ever closer to the dream of eternal youth—assuming they survive their conversational confrontations with personal decisions gone awry.