In a groundbreaking yet utterly confounding revelation, scientists from the International Elemental Research Society (IERS) have recently announced the discovery of a brand-new element they’ve boldly named Unobtainium. Despite the enticing prospect of adding something unique to the periodic table, they immediately admitted that they have absolutely no idea how to obtain it, making it the single most elusive thing since an honest answer from a politician.
Dr. Eliza Quest, the lead researcher, explained the team’s excitement during a press conference. “We were thrilled when the data hit. We realized we’d found something the earth has never seen. It was like striking gold, if gold were hypothetical and could never be extracted.” Pausing, she added sheepishly, “You could say we’ve struck…well, nothing.”
Unobtainium, assigned the atomic number 119¾ (because why not), is said to appear only in theory, the purest place in all of science. This has not deterred researchers from making wild claims about its potential uses, from curing world hunger to being the secret ingredient in the Colonel’s 11 herbs and spices. Dr. Quest enthused, “In theory, the applications are endless! In practice, well, good luck.”
Despite its invisibility and literal un-tangibility, scientists have begun racing against each other in a frantic quest to theorize about its characteristics. Early takes predict it could be stronger than Superman after two espressos, lighter than a feather during a blowout sale at the wig factory, and possibly able to emit giggles when tickled lightly by a neutrino breeze.
The implications of Unobtainium have already caught the attention of governments across the globe. Rumors are swirling that the United States has started a classified project called “Operation GooseChase” devoted to locating it, with a budget rumoured to be just shy of a bazillion dollars. Meanwhile, the United Kingdom has pledged to safeguard its treasure troves of absolutely nothing as a national heritage site, inviting tourists to take guided tours of places where it’s theoretically unlikely to exist.
However, it seems that corporations are those most keenly interested in the economic possibilities that could arise from literally something made of nothing. A consortium of tech innovators is already plotting the production of invisible smartphones made of 100% pure Unobtainium—preorders begin next week for a cool $10,000, theoretically speaking.
Against this backdrop of escalating speculation, there are skeptics. Dr. Howard Naysayer, ever the contrarian, pointed out, “I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but isn’t this just admitting we found a whole lot of nothing?” In response, the scientific community has decided to simply not hear him, contending that the element is, quite fittingly, just beyond comprehension.
As it stands, the discovery of Unobtainium remains a spectacular scientific paradox, one as ethereal as the promises of New Year resolutions and gym memberships in February. One thing is clear: should anyone ever manage to actually locate this delightfully mysterious element, they will surely obtain the most sought-after item on the planet, standing alongside the likes of Bigfoot’s hairstylist and instructions for assembling IKEA furniture. Until then, the world waits on tenterhooks—or, more appropriately, theoretical tenterhooks.