In a groundbreaking discovery that might explain why you’re still waiting for that passport you applied for six months ago, scientists at the globally-renowned Institute of Astounding Discoveries have identified a new element on the periodic table: Administratium. Surprisingly, this newly-discovered element didn’t just spring into existence but has been lurking beneath our collective inbox since the dawn of bureaucracy.
With an atomic number of 0 and no protons or electrons, Administratium is a paradox in itself. This element is composed of one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 deputy vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of, well, let’s just say it’s more confusing than calculating your tax refund. Holding it all together is an unseen force, yet to be named, commonly referred to by its scientific abbreviation: REDTAPE.
The first sighting of Administratium was made by a PhD student, Timmy Papercut, while he was in the archives trying to locate a lab coat he submitted a request for back in 2014. “I was sifting through mounds of untouched paperwork and suddenly, there it was! This dense, immovable object that seemed to be perpetually stationary,” exclaimed Papercut during a particularly long press conference, which itself seemed a physical manifestation of the element.
Administratium seems to have a peculiar half-life. It is said that the moment an observation is attempted, it duplicates itself into two separate, equally indolent piles, thus ensuring that any process involving this element falls into a cycle of endless duplication and delay. It’s theorized that this could be the scientific cause behind inexplicable phenomena, such as meetings that last longer than an episode of a soap opera finale and getting lost in the labyrinthine of automated phone systems.
This discovery doesn’t come without its skeptics, of course. Dr. Sally Insistent from the University of Denial sarcastically noted, “Sure, blame the element for your lack of project deadlines. Next, they’ll claim Newton’s Third Law was inspired by school meetings, where every action is met with an equal and overwhelmingly opposite inaction.”
The ramifications of Administratium spread far and wide. Public sector workers, notoriously resourceful when filling out their coffee breaks, have welcomed the newfound scapegoat. A local government worker was overheard saying, “Next time someone nudges me about why it took two years to change a light bulb, all I have to do is point them to the science, darling.”
In an ironic twist, the administration behind naming the element is reportedly taking longer than expected, with debates arising over whether it should be included alongside naturally occurring elements as well as synthetic ones. Since it’s virtually indestructible once formed, there’s no telling how long until it officially joins its peers in the hallowed chemistry textbooks of future procrastinators.
As ongoing studies continue into its other potential properties, including resistance to solve the common commuter’s plague on the railway system, receptionists around the globe have stated that they definitely received the memo on Administratium. They just cannot seem to locate it at the moment. If found, please submit a formal request form, wait 5-7 working decades, and permit ample time for its processing.