In a breakthrough that has left both the scientific and science fiction communities in stitches, researchers at the International Chrono-Dermatology Institute (ICDI) have unveiled a revolutionary anti-aging cream that does exactly what nobody asked for: reverse the effects of time travel on human skin.
Dubbed “Temporal Turmeric,” this miracle cream promises to fill the gaps that slip through the wrinkles in time. Ever since accidental time travelers started appearing in our timeline with laughably outdated leather boots and questionable mullets, cosmetic scientists have been hard at work to restore these wanderers’ natural glow — one that transports them back to a wrinkle-free youth without the use of Deloreans or peculiar police boxes.
“We realized it was a growing concern when a man walked into our clinic asking if we could fix the damage caused by a 17-century tanning technique,” said Dr. Mora C. Time, lead researcher and closet Doctor Who enthusiast. “His skin was like an ancient map — interesting to archaeologists perhaps but a nightmare for dermatologists.”
The cream’s secret ingredient comes from the red sands of Mars, famously sampled during a time travel mission that went hilariously wrong. As the story goes, the mission intended to explore ancient Martian civilizations but only resulted in several pilots returning to Earth with what can only be described as “out-of-this-world” teenagers’ acne.
A small dab of Temporal Turmeric each day is said to smooth out every laugh line and paradox-caused crow’s foot. Initial tests have shown phenomenal results: Benjamin Button lookalikes are now indistinguishable from your average 45-year-old despite their extensive sojourns in the early 1300s, and the less said about those who claim to have summered in the Cretaceous period, the better.
In a peculiar side effect, some test subjects reported a slight craving for nonsensical temporal foods like Prehistoric Paleo Bars — made entirely from ingredients sourced from the Triassic period. Beware, these products have not been properly vetted for modern taste buds, or indeed, modern food safety standards.
“It’s astonishing what a little Martian soil can do for the pores,” said Laura Ticksome, a travel guide specializing in era-jumping tours. “I mean, it’s a relief to know that if I ever accidentally become my own grandmother during one of our excursions, I’ll still have my youthful glow when it’s over.”
Despite its miraculous epidermal wonders, Temporal Turmeric isn’t without its critics. Concerns have mounted around the exact mechanics of “reversing time” when applied to the skin, and whether this could inadvertently trigger confusing ripples in past family photos. This, scientists assert, is purely cosmetic. Who wouldn’t want to look like their youthful self in Victorian attire, even if it was an inexplicable phase?
For now, Temporal Turmeric is available strictly by prescription, with a strict no-Ponce-de-Léon-club policy. So, while aspiring time tourists consider their next jaunt across parallel centuries, they might rest easy knowing there’s a cosmic cream waiting to help them fit back into their SSML—socially sanctioned modern life—only with considerably less wear and tear than before.
Stay youthful, stay timeless, but remember: Avoid paradoxes wherever possible — even the best anti-aging creams have limits on reversing those!