In a groundbreaking revelation that’s left both skincare enthusiasts and physicists scratching their heads, a new moisturizer has hit the market that promises to do more than just hydrate—it claims to stop time itself. Glamazonian Laboratories, the enigmatic company behind this anti-aging marvel, released their latest product, “Eternal Freeze,” with much fanfare at the annual World Beauty Expo, where it promptly won the Best New Product award, narrowly beating out last year’s champion, “Self-Applying Sunscreen.”
The secret to Eternal Freeze, according to its creators, is a rare compound called ChronoGoo™. Extracted from the tears of a time-traveling sloth (endangered, obviously), ChronoGoo™ is said to have the unique ability to create a temporal suspension field around the user’s skin, halting both the clock and, inexplicably, all local traffic.
“We always believed that to truly stop aging, one must go beyond the molecular and dabble with the chronological,” stated Dr. Ivana Eternale, head scientist and part-time amateur magician. “Eternal Freeze is more than a moisturizer. It’s a portal to a wrinkle-free dimension. And it just really pops when paired with a splash of our anti-gravity serum, which is, incidentally, also in the works.”
The initial application instructions include a cautionary note to apply with care in order to avoid inadvertently stopping time for the entire planet—a mishap that could, understandably, disrupt important events like international diplomacy meetings or the airing of popular reality TV finales.
Early reviews are mixed, with some users praising the product for its ability to bring their hectic lives to a momentary, blissful standstill. “I finally had time to read all 78 of my unread novels!” exclaimed one newly ageless enthusiast. Meanwhile, some local pet owners voiced minor complaints of having to chase frozen squirrels out of their gardens with garden hoses tuned to the proper temporal frequency.
Celebrity endorsements are already pouring in, with ageless icons such as Betty White and Keanu Reeves claiming the product has become an essential part of their everyday routine. “Long did I ponder the eternal enigma of time,” mused Reeves in a recent tweet. “Now I can simply apply it after a shave.”
Meanwhile, physicists worldwide are in an uproar. Renowned temporal theoretician Professor Chronos McClocktock expressed concern that by meddling with the fundamental forces of the universe, we may inadvertently cause more damage than age spots ever could. “Plus,” he added, “they never shared that sloth-specific data with us. We still don’t know if the poor creature understands its own implication in our unfolding reality—or if it simply enjoys a good strawberry.”
Despite the controversy, demand for Eternal Freeze has skyrocketed to the point where Glamazonian Laboratories is considering offering time-based installments to ensure everyone gets a chance to experience being iconically un-age-able. So next time you see someone blending seamlessly into their high school yearbook photo at their 50th reunion, just remember: time never had a chance.
In the meantime, Glamazonian Laboratories is tirelessly working to quash any unwanted repercussions of time manipulation, especially the concerning reports of people getting stuck mid-jump during morning workouts. One optimistic executive remarked, “We’re confident that Eternal Freeze will be a permanent fixture on every bathroom shelf…or frozen in time, whichever comes first.”