In a groundbreaking announcement that has left both beauty enthusiasts and time-travel theorists buzzing with excitement, a new skincare product has hit the market that promises to do the unthinkable: erase all evidence of 2020 from your face. Dubbed the “Alto-Timeline Exfoliation Mask,” this revolutionary beauty aid is said to not only erase wrinkles, stress lines, and the occasional existential dread frown but also wipe away the subconscious remnants of poorly-judged quarantine haircuts.
The mask, developed by the elusive Skinnovations Inc., claims to be infused with rare ingredients such as “Quarantine Quantum Extract” and “Resilience Retinol” gathered from a dimension where 2020 never even happened. According to their highly fictionalized press release, the mask was “scientifically engineered through the convergence of skincare expertise and a black hole of procrastination.”
Users of the mask must follow strict instructions that read more like a magician’s handbook than a beauty product guide. First, apply a thin layer, ensuring not to spill any into nearby voids of despair. Leave the mask on for precisely 20 minutes—or the duration of your favorite Netflix episode that spiraled into infinity during lockdown. Rinse thoroughly while singing precisely two verses of “Happy Birthday,” dedicated to no one in particular.
Skeptics have raised eyebrows, though noticeably smoother after treatment. Dr. Imogen Dowd, a widely acknowledged if not entirely existent figure in dermatological research, expressed caution. “While it’s certainly appealing to imagine a beauty product that could erase years of stress, it is worth considering the implications of scrubbing away 12 months of existential contemplation in a single mask.”
Potential users have raised questions about side effects. One enthusiastic client reportedly experienced an urge to hoard excessive amounts of toilet paper after one use. Another found themselves uncontrollably baking banana bread at odd hours of the night–a side effect the creators attribute to “pandemic muscle memory.”
In a twist of good faith or possible ulterior motive, Skinnovations Inc. has promised the first batch of 100 masks to frontline workers as a token of appreciation, ensuring that those who faced 2020 head-on can also wipe it clean off their faces.
As the world waits with bated, mask-covered breath, it’s worth asking ourselves if the magical mystery mask can truly erase all traces of a pivotal year—or if it simply smooths the surface for whatever comes next. Regardless, it’s a seductive notion to imagine a world where one’s complexion, if not one’s spirit, may remain blissfully ignorant of that year that won’t be named.