In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the realms of both royalty and skincare enthusiasts, Queen Elizabeth has finally divulged the well-guarded secret behind her timeless appearance—weekly indulgent baths in dragon fruit smoothies. While the idea of the British monarch lounging serenely in a tub brimming with the vibrant, tropical blend might seem far-fetched, insiders assure us that this fruity ritual is precisely how Her Majesty remains perpetually poised between the ravages of time and a complexion smoother than a corgi’s nose.
Palace sources confirmed that this exotic practice started several years ago when the Queen’s curiosity was piqued during a state visit to the fictitious island nation of Tropicana. The royal protocol officer, known for his comically large bowler hats, recounted how a local dignitary, with skin more resplendent than the surface of a lightly glazed doughnut, whispered the secret of the dragon fruit bath into royal ears, moments before proposing a toast with coconut-water-infused tea.
“Imagine my surprise when I walked into Her Majesty’s dressing room and saw a giant goblet turned bathtub, filled to the brim with what appeared to be a spectacularly extravagant smoothie,” said one of the Queen’s close confidants, who preferred to remain anonymous, fearing deportation to the Tower of Diet Secrets.
Dubiously dubbed the “Draconic Immersion” by palace aides, the weekly treatment involves precisely 267.5 liters of painstakingly pureed dragon fruit, a dash of elderflower cordial, and a hint of royal jelly produced by an elite squad of bees with painstaking adherence to a protocol more stringent than the Buckingham Palace staff dress code.
The Queen herself is said to have remarked, “One must do what one must do for one’s visage. It’s either this or waking up to a face that resembles a royal scone left out for five days.”
Clinical estheticians across the country are scrambling to meet a sudden surge in requests for dragon fruit smoothie facials. Meanwhile, the fruit market has seen a steep demand uptick, as health-conscious consumers mistakenly attempt to apply their breakfast smoothies liberally to their foreheads, only to suffer sticky situations and inconvenient swarmings by stray honeybees.
As for the rest of the royal family, Prince Charles is reportedly exploring whether avocado and spinach concoctions might keep his ears from further enlarging, while Princess Anne is said to favor a more minimalist approach, relying solely on the stiff upper lip technique to maintain her look.
In response to the buzz surrounding her revelation, the Queen issued an official statement: “One finds satisfaction in simply knowing that one’s beauty secret can bring delight, humor, and the occasional sweet aroma to all who encounter it.”
And there you have it—the fanciful regimen believed to be the secret to eternal elegance. Keep your eyes peeled for a possible Netflix adaptation: “The Crown Smoothie Chronicles.”